The "Bad Mood" Thread

Possibly, but if it weighs less than a penny, I doubt it. People mail money all the time, and I imagine a dollar bill or two is about the same weight as a penny.

 

@PrincessGustopher: Glad you and your friend is going well, but sorry to hear about your doctor. Hopefully it will all work out fine

 

Thunderstorms used to bring me comfort, I would gaze at their darkness in amazement that friction could produce such beams of electricity, and the sound of rain with rolling thunder in the distance was always soothing, calming. It's actually kinda funny really, here I am in my head feeling surrounded by darkness, loneliness, anxiousness, my head racing with thoughts much like front line winds causing plastic bags to fly, my soul feeling as cold as when you've sat in a downpour for a few hours; yet when these dark clouds invade the blue sky I can look up and find them beautiful, as if it's calming to know that even this planet has it's own burdens to deal with. I haven't had the hardest life, but I certainly haven't had the easiest, but not once have I ever, ever questioned if things would get better, until today. I can't keep my mind from wandering to places that I don't want it to, despite trying my best to keep busy with either music, or drawing, or writing, or even doing things I long stopped doing like reading; nothing seems to work. The past two days I've woken up sobbing, the week I've spent away has made it abundantly clear how miserable I am here, how I feel trapped and unable to progress forward and burdened by things that shouldn't even be a part of the weight on my shoulders. Getting away felt like I was returning home, like I was a prodigal son returning into the fold, like everything wearing me down had been lifted and I could finally be normal again with people I hold so dearly to my heart. I feel bad for saying that, because in turn I was getting away from my family, but I have a lot of resentment towards my family, understandably so. I love my mother, how could I not, and I'm doing the best I can to help her with her health issues and trying to be as supportive as I can, but when I absolutely needed somebody to step in and help me during my childhood when my then step-father was creating scars on my back that have long since faded by trying to put me through drywall, I can't help but feel like I'm doing this because I have no choice, because we're bound by blood, not because of compassion. And Aiden, oh Aiden, I have been far from the perfect older brother to him, and we just have never really gotten along to the degree of which he would want, but is he really that dense to see that the issues that drove him to try to kill himself are things that the rest of us have been dealing with for years? All of my life I've seen my mother in and out of hospitals in various states of life, from relatively healthy to comatose with so many tubes in her body as she awaited her liver transplant after being declared as having only 24 hours left to live; I've had shit friends who have walked all over me and done some incredibly stupid fucking shit that, yeah, bummed me the fuck out; I, like him, haven't had a father figure, no, instead I had one that bailed before I could form any memories of him and got a replacement who at times seemed like he wouldn't stop beating me even if I died, and just a bunch of other shit that I can list off that I believe without a doubt that I've had to deal with on a much worse level then he has, yet I'm the one who hasn't even so much as self-harmed while because of him we're constantly having to poke around every crevice to see if maybe he found a knife and stashed it there. Maybe that's selfish thinking on my part; maybe it's because I inherited my mother's optimism; maybe it's because I found my group of friends that are more like family to me, people who understand me and I can talk to about anything and everything with no qualms, people who care about my well being while also being upfront and honest about what they think I might need to hear, people that I can depend on; whatever it is I just can't help but look at his situation and be willing to kill to have our positions swapped. Emotionally I feel like I'm drowning, I feel like this is the lowest I've ever been, but logically I scoff at myself and ask why. I have my dream car, I have a pretty privileged life in a middle class family with the ability to buy shit for myself or others on a whim, I have amazing friends, I was blessed with intelligence and the ability to not be afraid to speak my mind and be who I am, and a bunch of other things that would indicate that I'm in a good place, but I'm not. I've been low before, almost this low but not quite, but this is the first time that I feel like I'm really struggling to keep my head above water and that I might not be able to, and I don't know what to do. Maybe when my classes start that'll keep my mind busy enough to not think about this, but what does that actually change? When I go on break am I going to be dealing with this miserable self-pity shit again? Or will it be lessened because it'll be a step forward, or would taking that step forward actually make things worse since that means I'm that much closer to being on my own? I've been complaining about how my mind has been torturing me in my sleep, by filling my dreams with replays of my trip up to North Carolina where I felt, well, normal, unburdened, but now I think I know why exactly I keep going back to that, maybe I can use that as a means of escape. I just, I don't know what to do outside of bandaid solutions. Therapy I don't think would work, the issue isn't that I don't talk about my problems, it's that I need guidance to work through them, but how do you guide someone through their little brother trying to off himself or their mother being just barely above her death bed health wise? Those are problems that don't have solutions, at least on my part, so guidance can't really be offered, instead I would just get a sympathetic ear to talk to, which I already have. There's medications, yeah, but those bother me because this isn't stemming from a chemical balance, it's not irrational stress, no, it's actually quite logical and I know exactly what is making me such a downer, so pills to me would feel like not really moving forward and getting past these issues. So then I'm left with what? I guess keeping my mind busy and hoping this all blows over. I'm just tired of putting myself second to everyone. I've fallen for this girl I've known for fucking ever that I got to spend time with last week and it was amazing, it was filled with flirting and electricity and goofing off and it was like we were dating, or had been dating for quite some time, and she was giving me every indication I could think of that I should make a move, that I should try to seal the deal that would make her mine, but I didn't, I couldn't. I was too terrified, because how dare I do something that might make me happy, how dare I lift her chin and brush my lips against hers and see where things go. Maybe I was terrified of things not working like I would hope them to, to make a move and be dealt that rejecting blow probably would have crushed me, but there was nothing about her demeanor that would indicate that would have happened, it was the exact opposite. I'll never forget sitting on her bed in her room as she worked on schoolwork and glancing at her every opportunity I could, when she wasn't glancing at me, and finding her absolutely stunning in her pajama bottoms and Hogwarts shirt she had worn the night before when we had gone out and her slight case of bed head, and wanting to tell her that, I mean no big deal, I call her fucking beautiful all the damn time, probably so much that it's lost it's meaning, but I didn't, I couldn't. And it's small things like that, small, insignificant regrets, that will always eat away at me. "She's thunderstorms, lying on her front, up against the wall, she's thunderstorms." She played that song on her record player before I left for my drive back to Florida, and maybe that's why I've been thinking about thunderstorms, all I know is that I hope the thunderstorms come back soon, I could really use their company right now.

 

Why do we females suffer with cramps every month and I have work in an hour. I just wanna stay snuggled in bed till my cramps die down.

 

I should have had those portraits done by now, between work and being sick, I haven't drawn a Damn thing. Fuck I suck.

 

I am so done with people, theory of mind, phhh these people think they're the only ones and if you don't fit into a narrow niche you're 100% dead.

 

I feel pretty stupid trying to get into school at my age.

 

pffffft, there was a 70 year old man in one of my friend's classes, you're good.

 

Jesus Christ. Calculus II is beating the hell out of me. First test 68%, and now second test 52%. So, right now I'm failing. I have no idea whether I should try to keep going and pull this off... I think I actually did better in Organic Chem I in a test-by-test comparison. Much better. Thing is, I need this class for what I want to do, and I need the hours to keep my graduating with two degrees status. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and talk to someone about what the fuck I should do. I'd love to withdraw from this class, but only if I can somehow get written into a three hour class to keep my hours, I don't even know if I can do that halfway through the damn semester.

The worst thing is, I thought I did better on that exam. This professor is a hard ass grader or... I don't know. I just don't get it.

 

I'll most likely be rejected anyway lol.

 

I created a sell thread! *dun dun dun*

 

this will be only the third night into my tax prep course and i dont think im cut out for it, i was kinda pressured into it.

yeah, i know that i am excellent with numbers. but this doesnt really have to do much with algebra/math in general. this is memorizing TONS of tax forms, what goes where, tiny details that can mess up the entire document... itll be good that i know how to do it, yes, but i dont even think i want this as a seasonal job, its just too confusing, and if i mess something up, the fine is $500 for the first time. thats not even a third of what money i even have right now and probably for a long time. second time is double and lose your license.

*sigh* ever since my boyfriend got shipped out, my stress has gone through the roof, made worse because i bottle it and never let anyone see... i would probably be better if i had some sort of communication with him, even just letters, because i told him everything. i mean, COME ON. what is he doing that we cannot even send letters? ive never heard of someone in the military not being able to... and its scaring me. a lot of people say its fishy because of that, and that all of our other plans were cancelled because of stuff happening on his end. they tell me that its something else, that this is all to hurt me in the end. i dont know, its stressing me more that i dont get to talk to him because that perpetuates my fear of never getting to speak to him again or the fear that he's died and i will never know (well... his grandmother will probably tell me but there is no communication with her either), the fear that they are right and being with him was a bad idea from the start... i loved him so much, and i still do. i promised him my loyalty and he his own; we planned and planned and planned to meet and each time was shut down. and now this, he wanted us to break because neither of us knew how long this was going to last. yesterday would have been 5 months together but closer to 3-4 years best friends and inseparable since. ive thought about him every day, i still wear my bracelet every day. my mom said that she was starting to really accept Michael, because since i started to be with him, i was coming out of my shell.

ive been told that i should let go and move on... but i dont want to. ive had to so many times before and i dont want to do it again, i dont want to go back to my hermit shell. im scared of letting go, because the more i let go of someone that i loved with my whole being, the harder it makes it to let someone in at all because i will believe that i will just have to let them go some day so it mostly turns into "i might as well not bother. i will only be here for a little while before it happens again, save myself the pain." i could name you everyone that i have let go.
i still try to hold onto "soon." something always said in my relationships. soon, we will meet. soon this will be over and us together, soon our dreams will be real. every time, those promises were broken. "always and forever" is another of them. looks like, each time, forever wasnt very long.

people thought that it was petty or even funny that i held promises to such a deep level, i dont know what else to say other than its just me, that words spoken as a promise are concrete, that they should never be broken, because words are taken to the heart as much as actions are. even in grade school: "you promised you would bring it back two weeks ago!" "ill bring it tomorrow, now leave me alone!" (over a game i let someone i thought was my friend borrow, which i didnt get back and resulted in my never trusting such person again because i didnt want to lose something else)

heck, i even had one girl that befriended me, only to eventually trick me into helping her get better grades on projects because i was artsy and came up with good ideas, thusly got A's all the time. it took me a year to learn that and such, i never helped anyone with a project again for fear of being used again. i guess it all boils down to fearing that it will happen again. it was so simple as a kid. but it kinda made me look petty and (for lack of a better word) narcissistic. but i didnt want hurt again, so i shut myself up and never let anyone get too close.

i dont want to say 'im getting depressed' because then i feel like im calling for attention and truly i hate that but it feels like it, and at some point someone might make me go to a therapist, and thats the last i want to do. some days i just want to stay in my own little world, shut up in my room among my blankets to let my dreams roam... even the nightmares. because i would rather be frightened for my life of some beast but have the love of my life at my side to protect me and help fight; knowing that i will wake rather than to be awake, with him gone, shipped away from me never to know what happened, left to face the world alone and its uncertainty.

i know im only 18, 19 soon enough. but most people get married around 20-30, with kids around then too, and have jobs somewhat in line. some in relationships for the better part of the late teen years or even longer. some worse off than i (which is why i dont want to call attention to myself, too, because there is worse than me). some better off.

cant i just i be held in someone's arms for one night, can i have a real kiss while im in the years that one is supposed to? can i just have one person where their promises are held like mine, one to call me theirs; and they forever mine? (that sounds super sappy...)

i am afraid that i never will, because nothing ever works out for me. it spans a few months, then dies. ive never been in a relationship with him actually there, physically beside me. i want that so much, and i was so ready. then that dream was just crushed in the matter of a few hours.

i want to say that depression has a hold on me, heck has for several years, i just ignored it and shut it away where nobody could see. but thats just it, if i let people see, they see my weakness. they see this strong person that never cried, that always brushed off harsh words, that had a thick skin, falling utterly apart. i dont want people to see me like that. because thatll just land me in the joke fodder like i/it used to. i remember my mom saying when i was young that i had such thick skin, nothing bothered me anymore and i was overcoming bullying that was running rampant. that was because i just shut it away. some nights i wondered about death. not about doing that to myself, never, just what it was like.

well, what was only supposed to be a short rant about my current affair with the tax course turned into much more. i dont know if that really says anything. but i guess typing it out helps. i sort of want to go to someone/where; but i dont want that money spent on me when bottling has held me over for many years, thus i dont want to for the life of me (in addition to aforementioned reasons). its probably unhealthy.

i stayed up till midnight again, the goal was closer to 10, but i started writing this around 9:30... i better get to sleep. i have class tomorrow night and i still have homework to do. (small edit: i tried to do it, i really did, but i have no idea what i am doing)

i still wish i was in Connecticut right now.

 

Good, Spain attacks again. We brought here a missionary from africa with Ebola because "we can treat that disease". Sure, fuck me, fuck the skies, fuck trees.
Now a nurse is infected due to religion. Nicely done catholic church and supposedly non-religious Spanish State.
We just brought that guy here to die, because that's human. Now, because of that guy the whole population could be in danger. GENIUS! FUCKING GENIUS!

 

GAAAAAH. YouTube has been acting up all day, even though my internet isn't! And for some reason half of my podcasts are acting like they can't update!

 

Hugs to anyone who wants them.

FUCK MY LIFE ENTIRELY. I have fucking had it today. I actually tried to see if the beams in the laundry room could fit some rope through them but to my luck (and I mean that in the best possible way) they were screwed tight to the ceiling. I have one of the worst yeast infections I've ever had after trying to finally have sex with my husband, but no now I have this and even thinking about sex make me feel gross. I went to the urgent care and while everyone was nice they wouldn't to any tests on me (thankfully) because I have never had an examination down there, and I didn't want some strange DR to do anything. So I've been prescribed some fucking meds. One pill that has hardly helped me feel any relief hardly at all. Now I can't even call to set up an appointment or do anything else with a hunk of junk phone. My mother went out to buy me a new one only to find out it is Verizon who fucked up. My old phone was just fine it is on their end and now I have to go out of town to the next town over to get them to "try and see if it can be fixed" and hope to hell I don't have to wait in a Verizon store for more than an hour or two. The woman on the line wasn't even that nice she snapped and snipped at me during the whole time I was calling her on my mother's phone. Seriously lady the reason you might be getting people bitching back at you is because you were in the bad mood first. So as of right now I can't contact my husband, Ben while he's on the night shift, I'm uncomfortable in my nether regions I wished I didn't have, I now have a fraking migraine and I have to go out of town and be at Verizon before or at 11am to 'get a spot' for my phone to be fixed. >_< UGH fuck today and fuck the rest of the week. I have had it. I'm not even sad any more I'm just done with it all.

 

Get some Monostat. It works quite well. I usually buy the 3 day, and usually end up using two. It's cheapest that way to buy 3 day supply.

 

I'm not familiar enough with Monostat to know how it works, but if it's anything like antibiotics, you better be taking all the doses unless you want to breed some resistant yeast that will come back with a vengance o.o

 

I use it til symptoms go away. If you use it too long after the infection is gone, THEN it builds resistance.

 

Ah. Well, like I said, I don't know enough about it to really say anything anyway.

 

Can't use monostat. It made me so irritated down there I had to go to the urgent care in the first place. The stuff the Dr gave me is a one pill dosage that's supposed to help, so far it has but I'm not 100% better. Maybe I'm just too impatient I don't know I just want to feel better. I mean I do I'm just itchy and I feel icky and gooey (EW) down there. Right now I feel fine just sad again but I feel okay down south.