And there's something else. Something I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd have a strong negative reaction.
[6:05:57 PM] Stormless: o_o
[6:06:24 PM] Erika Flannagan: Something is wrong with me. I've felt it for a long time. Something is wrong in my brain
[6:06:27 PM] Erika Flannagan: And lately
[6:07:03 PM] Erika Flannagan: I've had..... graphic suicidal feelings. Thoughts.
[6:07:14 PM] Erika Flannagan: I've never had anything like this before
[6:08:06 PM] Erika Flannagan: I haven't self harmed, though I've wanted to. Except that I've rubbed the skin off my wrist with an anxious habit
[6:08:26 PM] Stormless: Okay. That's what you think I'd have a negative reaction to? I mean, last night I went for a drive and had to shake off thoughts of swerving into oncoming traffic, but that stems from me being absolutely miserable down here, and things up there aren't really any better for you.
[6:09:52 PM] Stormless: You have quite a lot going on right now and wearing you down and it's understandable, as long as you recognize that it's stemming from your current situation and don't do anything stupid.
[6:10:25 PM] Erika Flannagan: And he was still there. He was still there. He didn't leave and oh god I don't know what to do. I can't believe I've hurt him like I have and I wish it could all just go away and it feels insurmountable
[6:10:38 PM] Erika Flannagan: It feels like there's only one way out
[6:13:20 PM] Stormless: That's a bit more of a deal, and I'm not going to say that you're not in the wrong with doing that because you are, but you also have to realize that he was projecting his shit onto you, that very little time had passed since you broke up with Grey, that your family life was pretty stressful not to mention getting school shit together, working a job you hate as well as scraping things together to go to Europe. As far as inflicting him with pain, don't even worry about that. Worry about sorting your shit out, worry about getting your own environment to a place where you actually feel comfortable.
[6:14:27 PM] Erika Flannagan: None of those things make what I did excusable
[6:14:31 PM] Erika Flannagan: I hate myself
[6:14:36 PM] Erika Flannagan: Oh god I hate myself
[6:16:55 PM] Erika Flannagan: I haven't eaten in days. I'm watching breakfast at tiffanys again. I sit around and visualise my suicide.
[6:17:02 PM] Erika Flannagan: I want all of this to end
[6:17:08 PM] Erika Flannagan: I just want it tomstop
[6:17:19 PM] Erika Flannagan: Life is no way to treat an animal
[6:17:46 PM] Stormless: And I hope you read my Facebook post that I tagged you in, but if not then I'll just simplify it. A month after Taylor had gotten kicked out I was at that point of giving up, I felt I had no purpose and found no meaning to life, but what kept me from just sinking that blade in was what offing myself could do to those that care about me, to those that I cared about evidently more then I cared about myself. And that gave me enough breathing room to reach out, and so I sent you a message on Facebook, and this was around the time you were bouncing from place to place and so it was pretty much 50/50 as to if you were going to be there, but you were, and we talked like normal and just like always you somehow pulled magic out of your ass and made everything else disappear and gave me the leverage I needed to pull myself out enough to see that there's more then one way out. You saved me. So, I'll save you, figure I outta return the favor, right?
[6:19:03 PM] Erika Flannagan: I did read that
[6:19:43 PM] Stormless: And it's not about those things being excusable, it's about them being understandable. The fact that you find them inexcusable is great, because it means that you've realized they're mistakes and you're not going to make them again. That's how life works, you fuck up, you learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen again. Not only that but you have the balls to let him know you fucked up, knowing full well what the consequences could be, which just goes to show once again how wonderfully caring of a person you are.
[6:22:01 PM] Erika Flannagan: God how much easier it would be to pull the blade across my throat just once and have all the pain in the world come to a hault. I even know what dress I would wear. I know where I would do it. I'd even make it quaint and ironic. I have it planned out so beautifully. How easy it would be to walk into the forest, sit in the falling leaves and carve "la vie est belle" down my arm, a flower drawn in lacerations on the other, then lay down and look up at the sky one last time, feeling the sting of the razor, feeling myself losing blood, and pull it firmly across my throat and watch the sky and keep myself from hurting anyone I love ever again. How lovely it would be.
[6:22:40 PM] Erika Flannagan: I need help.
[6:23:12 PM] Erika Flannagan: I need help because at first I was terrified by these thoughts and now they feel so comfortable
[6:24:14 PM] Stormless: Except it wouldn't accomplish what you would want, that being not hurting anyone you love again. I'm not even sure I'd exist without you right now Lizzy, you really want to say that killing yourself wouldn't just rip me right in two? And that's just me, what about Steph? What about your mother and your father, or Collin, or Emma, or what about Charles when he found out?
[6:25:18 PM] Erika Flannagan: Charles would not care
[6:25:25 PM] Erika Flannagan: He'd never even know
[6:25:30 PM] Stormless: That is complete and utter bullshit and you know it.
[6:25:50 PM] Erika Flannagan: And at least I wouldn't ever hurt anyone after that. At least I could never do anything else.
[6:25:57 PM] Erika Flannagan: It isn't bullshit,
[6:26:08 PM] Erika Flannagan: It's how I feel. And I think it's the truth
[6:29:48 PM] Stormless: Nothing else would need to be done after that. Oh, my mother's dying, my grandfather is a hoarder who forced all of his shit upon us by masking it as "helping," my little brother wants to kill himself and, oh, I've had no in person social interaction for years, and this girl that I've know for what feels like fucking forever and love to fucking death decided she didn't want to keep living anymore? Yeah no, I would end things right then and there, and I can't even imagine what your family would feel.
[6:30:28 PM] Erika Flannagan: Responsible
[6:30:57 PM] Erika Flannagan: The thing is eveyone always feels responsible for suicides, but I'm the one who's responsible. No one else. Just me.
[6:34:25 PM] Stormless: You asked me (then told me to not answer) why it's so easy to fall for you, why you have guys seemingly falling over you left and right. Because you're you. Because you're this incredibly charming, intelligant woman who wears her heart on her sleeve while also simply not giving a fuck about anything else but being herself, because you're extremely talented with writing and painting and when you feel like being creative you don't give off the impression that you feel you have limitations, because no matter what you always, always, always are there for the people you care about because you're care that fucking much, because your eyes are like oceans that are so easy to fall into and your smile sent literal chills down my spine numerous times when we were hanging out. I don't know what exactly happened but somewhere in the last couple months you've lost yourself.
[6:35:20 PM] Erika Flannagan: I know I have
[6:35:49 PM] Erika Flannagan: I don't know what's wrong. It's not the last couple of months. It's been a long time
[6:35:58 PM] Erika Flannagan: I swear to god something happened to my brain
[6:36:03 PM] Erika Flannagan: Something is wrong
[6:36:32 PM] Stormless: So then figure out what happened and fix it. Did you go see that psychatrist that Emma recommended?
[6:37:53 PM] Erika Flannagan: I called her
[6:38:03 PM] Erika Flannagan: I haven't managed to grt up with her
[6:38:09 PM] Erika Flannagan: I'm going to try again tlmorrow
[6:38:13 PM] Erika Flannagan: I need to go
[6:38:38 PM] Erika Flannagan: I want a cigarette
[6:38:43 PM] Stormless: Promise me that you won't do anything stupid.
[6:39:10 PM] Stormless: And don't doubt that I will drive my ass up there if you do and smack you upside the head, even if I do only have $60 in my account.
[6:39:59 PM] Erika Flannagan: Physical violence is not going to solve violence against oneself
[6:40:14 PM] Erika Flannagan: I've done a lot of stupid things
[6:40:24 PM] Erika Flannagan: I'm trying to put that all behind me
[6:40:41 PM] Erika Flannagan: Thank god for underage smokers
[6:41:04 PM] Erika Flannagan: "Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee"
[6:41:18 PM] Stormless: ...I wouldn't literally smack you, come on, I'm a gentleman.
[6:41:39 PM] Erika Flannagan: Earlier this week I stood silently crying in a petrol station for ten minutes just imagining killing myself
[6:42:06 PM] Erika Flannagan: I keep thinking about my exacto knife sitting on my book shelf
[6:42:13 PM] Stormless: Lizzy.
[6:42:36 PM] Erika Flannagan: I keep thinking that I wiah I never talked to Will. I wish he had never known me. I wish I could erase every memory of me he has.
[6:42:51 PM] Erika Flannagan: How I wish I could change everything
[6:43:13 PM] Erika Flannagan: Oh golly gee damn
[6:43:14 PM] Stormless: Will will get over it, just like Grey will and Morgan did before that.
[6:43:30 PM] Erika Flannagan: I don't want him to leave
[6:43:39 PM] Erika Flannagan: But I feel like he should
[6:43:44 PM] Erika Flannagan: I don't deserve him
[6:43:51 PM] Erika Flannagan: I don't deserve anyone
[6:44:01 PM] Erika Flannagan: I deserve to suffer
[6:44:16 PM] Stormless: ...I can't believe I'm reading this right now.
[6:44:26 PM] Erika Flannagan: I'm sorry
[6:44:37 PM] Erika Flannagan: I'm sorry for putting this all on you
[6:44:49 PM] Stormless: You're not putting anything on me.
[6:44:53 PM] Erika Flannagan: I am
[6:44:55 PM] Stormless: No, you're not.
[6:44:56 PM] Erika Flannagan: You don't need this
[6:45:02 PM] Erika Flannagan: I'm sorry
[6:45:11 PM] Stormless: You know how crazy I am about you, yeah?
[6:45:22 PM] Erika Flannagan: I think you're crazy for it
[6:45:26 PM] Erika Flannagan: I know you are, actually
[6:45:47 PM | Edited 6:46:29 PM] Stormless: How the first dream I had a day after last seeing you was all about how everytime I put my arm around you you'd lean in seemingly affectionately?
[6:45:53 PM] Erika Flannagan: Oh god what aa worthless piece of shit I've become
[6:47:17 PM] Stormless: k I'm putting clothes together, I'll be up there in 12 hours.
[6:47:31 PM] Erika Flannagan: Shut up
[6:47:46 PM] Stormless: I'm not joking.
[6:47:57 PM] Erika Flannagan: I don't want to see anyone ever again. I want to be a hermit
[6:48:04 PM] Erika Flannagan: I want tombe alone with Minty forever
[6:48:11 PM] Erika Flannagan: I can't be alone anywhere
[6:48:18 PM] Erika Flannagan: I want to be alone
[6:48:38 PM] Erika Flannagan: I want to wallow and feel this pain without someone being in the next room
[6:48:47 PM] Stormless: Yeah no.
[6:48:54 PM] Erika Flannagan: I know you aren't joking but I want you to be
[6:49:08 PM] Erika Flannagan: Trust me that you can help from afar
[6:49:41 PM] Stormless: No, for this I need to be there.
[6:49:46 PM] Stormless: And be there I shall.
[6:49:53 PM] Erika Flannagan: Don't.
[6:49:56 PM] Erika Flannagan: Please.
[6:50:00 PM] Erika Flannagan: Not this time.
[6:50:05 PM] Erika Flannagan: Please.
[6:52:19 PM] Stormless: -[Video saying "No, I fucking love you and I'm going up there, so no, you'll just have to deal with that."]
[6:54:47 PM] Erika Flannagan: Please don't
[6:54:50 PM] Erika Flannagan: Please
[6:55:22 PM] Erika Flannagan: I know this is awful but seeing you will only make me feel worse right now. Please just be here for me like this, please.
[6:55:47 PM] Erika Flannagan: It'll complicate everything and that's not what I need right now at all.
[6:55:50 PM] Erika Flannagan: Please
[6:56:50 PM] Stormless: Then promise me you aren't going to do anything stupid.
[6:57:00 PM] Erika Flannagan: I promise
[6:58:26 PM] Stormless: k. For now I will not drive up.
[6:58:36 PM] Erika Flannagan: Okay
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