So many words, so under a spoiler they go. Relationship things, mostly.
Not sure what all I've talked about here. Was in a relationship since 2010, and it just got dull for me after a while. Paranoid pothead with zero ambition and very few talking points. Found out he'd checked up on me at work last July (coincidentally the only day I lied to him about when I left), it ended, friend I was with who's had feelings for me for a while took his chance, let him have it, ended up getting back together with other dude in August (the one I just ended things with again), hell of a mess. Lost the friendship at some point too. It was a perfect friendship and the whole thing was ruined. Just felt...overwhelmed, not having the same feelings and I often felt pressured into doing things with him, felt like he was being manipulative too? He tried to contact me again and I pretty much told him to fuck off.
Some time later I gave him his TV back. And...genuinely missed that friendship. So we hung out a couple times. It's a perfect friendship, the way it was. Turns out I still have feelings for him as well in spite of both of our previous transgressions to each other. Been thinking about this a lot and it's absolutely been eating at me the past month. Yesterday one of our mutual former coworkers asks us to hit up a bar with her since her friend was performing his hip hop live, so we were close then. Went back to his place and played some games, he showed me his new setup for recording his Let's Plays, and he stayed out of my space, but I was still anxious about it.
I'm sick today, think I've a touch of food poisoning. Probably when he and I went to get Denny's the other morning. Shoulda sent that sausage back after he pointed out it was pink. Got sick of sitting around all day though and he comes and picks me up and we're going on a walk because the weather is "okay." Much colder than anticipated. Stop at IHOP to get something light and some water, and then go on a drive and I tell him I've got things to say but am very nervous about it, he tells me it's okay.
Asked him, he still wanted something between us?
He says of course, but that it had to be at my pace.
Tell him I do as well, but that I need to figure my things out first, because I messed it up by not doing that the first go around. Then told him that it might be a long, long time before I'm comfortable having any degree of intimacy with him, due to the pressuring, him having in a sense ruined some aspect of my trust in him.
And he's all right with these. He's all right with my mutual feelings for another fellow (yes, and those have been there going on three years now), he's all right if I -somehow- end up having some close interaction with said other fellow. Because the other fellow is 54, and married with a kid, and gods know neither of us is ever going to overstep that boundary regardless of our feelings. I love him dearly, so I want for him to be truly happy, and ruining what he has established is not beneficial to his happiness and well being, and that's the fucking reality of it. It won't happen and I shouldn't spend my time waiting for it to. But have to work through that too.
Feeling better about some things, but still sick. Buh.