The "Bad Mood" Thread

Spoiler: i just need a place to rant

WHEN THE GUY THAT RAPED YOU EMAILS YOU TO FUCK LIKE REALLY??? YOU WANNA FUCK!!??! FUCK YOURSELF DEAD, ASSHOLE.

 

FUCK HIM WITH A FUCKING CHAINSAW

 

O___o Well shit. This is why I wonder why we still exist with any semblance of society sometimes. Some people are just insane.

 

Trying to stay calm...trying to focus...very hard to do, my little droogies, when your neck is stiff from focusing dead-on the computer screen....trying not to draw attention to that bum of a father, trying not to get in an argument with someone still abusing addictions, and not having any intention of changing them anytime soon. Still coming up with hairbrained schemes, and reinforcing the fear that he doesn't want to work or fix this...and still trying to act an innocent.

Spoiler: Rant in my mind.

I may forgive. I do not forget.

I haven't forgotten the hell you raised when I was younger in drunken stupors. The large amount of times you drove under the influence. The fights you got into between family, and the stubbornness you had. I haven't forgotten the times when you would beat me a little too hard, a leather strap across the majority of my body. I haven't forgotten when you tried to leave my sister on the side of the road, and I had to get out personally out of a refusal to leave her standing alone. I haven't forgotten those times. I haven't forgotten when you pawned things off to pay for food, and lost some of my gaming consoles and game collections because of it. I haven't forgotten that you were given 20 grand to buy an RV, and subsequently lost that. You lost the Van. Being homeless for some time is a damn shame, but...how? Is there a conceivable way for me to feel pity?

He never went to my sister's graduation, and subsequently never showed up to mine (was never around to contact for High School or Associates twice over). Never had the guts to try to make a relationship with my brother. Just crawled into a bottle over and over and over and over and over and over. Twenty-five years. And the only thing that's remained constant is the alcohol abuse.

What does a man, a son do....when faced with the stark reality that any positive memories of childhood, any fun we might've had when younger....is overridden by this mess of a father? How can I put on a fake smile and nod at this? I'm literally hiding out in Long Beach more often than not, both to do homework, and to put off enough time so that he just stays in the porch room, quiet and away from my thoughts, allowing me a reprieve.

 

Incoming rant.

In the wake of my Everest College debacle, my mother is being completely unreasonable.

I've spent the last four months doing everything I can to get the proof of my education in-hand so I can get a job, she's demanding that I go get a full-time minimum wage job in the meantime, when chasing after shitty politicians and government employees is practically a job in and of itself. This was brought on by a need for additional finances, when she doesn't actually have a job either. She's operating under the guise of being a self employed book keeper, but she only has two clients and is doing absolutely nothing to get any more, and utterly refuses to do anything else for work, despite the fact that it would be simplicity itself for her to work even a part time job on the side of her "business".

I spent at minimum 8 hours trying to fix my computer yesterday because it nearly went F.U.B.A.R. Missing files all over the place, nothing on my computer could get any updates even if I installed them manually, so I had to do a full system restore and spend the rest of the day getting back all the programs and updates and shit that I need on it, to say nothing of the personal files. I still wasn't done yesterday, because quite frankly doing that shit for hours is tiring, so I took a break at night for some relaxation.

Then she wakes me up at 6AM this morning, saying if I have time to sleep in I have time to put my resume together. I figure I'll do it anyway to get her off my back, only to find that she's turned the internet off and I still haven't downloaded microsoft word, and nor do I have a resume template stored on my computer (for obvious reasons). I go ask her to turn it on and it turns into a 20 minute argument about how the internet is actually useful for finding a job, and how I needed it to be able to actually write a resume.

Then she goes into a tirade about how "it's always an excuse with you". Well excuse the fuck out of me if my computer broke and I had to restore it, or if stupid politicians won't give me proof of my education. I can definitely see how that's my fault.

/rant over

 

Now, while I'm normally against the following because it's important to know which side one's bread is buttered on, in this case I think she's burning both sides and then trying to throw pepper sauce on it to fix things. Quite frankly, I'd tell her "I think I'm already trying my damn hardest to get a job, and you're not helping in the slightest, so fuck off and go get a job yourself." And if she want's to put you out for that, I honestly think you should cut off all reliances on her, and likewise all support of her, so that she has nothing to use you with, and so that it's clear she has nothing to gain from you, then set yourself up on you own. Yes, I'm aware that if that happens, it's going to be hell, but it doesn't sound like she's making your current situation any better.

 

No, she is most certainly not making the situation easier. The situation is actually rather bizarre because she's normally pretty level headed (well, to the degree that any average parent is level headed where their children are concerned). I'm erring on the side of caution for now, in case she comes out with some sort of new information on something that's frustrating her. It wouldn't make her behavior okay of course, but it'd be a starting point to smoothing things over.

At the very least I know tension between her and my sister has been rising for the past few months.

 

I ended up having a lot of flashbacks last night and it wasn't pleasant. Ended up shaking curled up in a ball unable to sleep till real late.

Mehhhh time to go make my day better and go sew loops onto my tail finally

 

So my ex boyfriend who's still in the Army blocked me on facebook today. No idea why. the last thing we talked about was him being depressed and how suicide isn't a thing. I wanted to tallk to him this morning about random shit, and firgured he'd reply later today. Nope, just saw I couldn't reply to the conversation, so knew he blocked me. I know a friend of his, and she said she wasn't getting involved as her friend was dating him... I'm like "Well, I don't give a fuck about that as I don't want to date him again..." He didn't bother to try in our relationship; I was the only one trying to salvage it. So why bother trying to get back with him? I did tell her if his gf had anything to do with it, well he then doesn't deserve to be in my life, because I no longer put up with that bullshit. It's childish.

Which still reminds me that most guys I've dated end up being jerks, he's just the nice jerk. But still a jerk.

 

Many people these days seem to be failing to grow up to their responsibilities and social qualities as adults. I honestly haven't a clue why.

 

Well it turns out he hadn't blocked me, Facebook wanted to verify he was real so had disconnected it. But he started telling me how I was overreacting and that I hadn't thought before passive aggressively accusing him of blocking me, blah blah blah...basically, insulting me and telling me why I shouldn't have done that and it was 5 am for him.

Honeslty, I having issues psychologically lately so sorry if I did overreact on it, but his response just seemed way over my reaction. He got pissed off for no reason. I even apologized yet he still continued to be insulting, saying how he didn't care about the problems I was having (I didn't actually explain what was going on with me, and for good reason). I told him I was trying to make amends and had indeed apologized, and to reconsider what he has just said and to be thankful that I wasn't yelling at him for his own reaction. I told him to take time to calm down them message me once he had. Cause I still got my own shit to deal with and don't have time for his nonsense.

 

Mmh. He still sounds like he's acting childish to me.

 

He is, and right now I don't really care if he messages me at all, as he hardly had when He deployed anyway.

My only consultation is the fact I know his gf is slutty lmao. I'm still bitter over him, so in a way it makes me secretly happy knowing she'll hurt him eventually. Still not something you want to wish on anyone but still makes me deviously happy.

 

So today my refridgerator has passed out. And I have no way of repairing it, or buying new - not even taking a loan (I wouldn't be able to pay it off in any way). Just fucking great. Everything in my home and life falls apart, and all I can do is struggle around in effort to improve it by even tiny percentage, but it doesn't work so I just watch it happen, knowing I wasn't able to do anything.

Update : It turns out to be just the power outlet the refridgerator was plugged to. But this means something bad is happening to the cabling in the walls... I hope it won't start a fire someday.

 

Just had a helpful reminder that I'm not allowed to ever be happy. Thanks, me, for getting yourself in this sort of trouble again.

Update: I'm mostly over it. Still sucks tho.

 

I accidentally started looking at pictures of boobs and cute couples and now I'm sad.

 

I'm annoyed with my computer as well as Lowe's.
Just tried applying there and their shit is all broken and crap, however it's either their site or my computer being a piece of shit. I'm so tired of being so far behind the times when it comes to technology...

 

I'm having a hard time letting it sink in that everyone has pretty much abandoned me IRL. I've got just my best friend left who I rarely see or talk to anymore but she doesn't seem to care much now. My mom kinda cares...she's pretty much just been "Just get over it. Shit happens." about everything and doesn't care much.

I've got 99 problems and I'm too scared to talk about them and feel like everyone else has worse things going on and that I should just shut up and stop whining.

*sigh* I wanna sleep for 15 hours again.

 

Bad mood does not even begin to cover my current mental state.

I have a lot of difficulties getting fully cleaned out for a toy session. It's not uncommon for me to get totally clean as far as the water that's coming out is concerned, but the moment I try to put something up there, well, you get the idea. Naturally, I treasure those sessions where I stay clean.

So, tonight I get totally cleaned out and it actually works, and I know it works because I cleaned and tested my level of cleanliness in the shower about an hour ago. I'm all prepped, everything's set up, all the lights are out in the house so my mom and sister are asleep. I start toying, and the toying is good, better than any of my previous sessions, though they are few in number. I even feel something building up gradually. Could this be my first anal orgasm coming up I wonder? Naturally, I'm very giddy about this, so I'm really going at it now, and what happens?

Mom decides she's going to get up and start walking around for no god damn reason. I've heard her go to the bathroom twice now and not close the door, flush, or use the sink so it's not like she's doing anything in there, I'm pretty sure she's also making food in the oven at 2 am, She's turning on all the bloody lights and now one of the neighbors is chatting with her downstairs, and I'm sitting here with a toy sadly removed, sitting and waiting for reentry as all my excitement leaves and now I'm just feeling positively LIVID. Who the fuck gets up at 2 am and starts cooking shit in the oven!? Who the fuck gets up and invites the neighbors in at 2 am!?

Fucking god damn piece of shit ass fuck....

 

I, for one, cook food at 2 AM, but that's because I have no sleep cycle, I make excessive efforts to not be too loud, and there's only one other person in the house who MOSTLY doesn't mind as long as I keep it down.