Just taking a look through my old USB drive for some files, ended up going through my music from like 5-6 years ago. Damn, so many memories, reminds me of happier times. Makes me realise just how much I've changed as a person, but I'm not sure whether for better or worse. I never was one for being able to let the past go.
In many ways I've become more mature, sensible and confident, but I feel so boring and bland now. I used to be so excitable about so many things, enjoyed myself without getting caught up on how other people viewed or judged me, and even enjoyed myself doing legally questionable things. I felt untouchable and on top of the world, and I loved it.
Comparatively, I'm now a nervous wreck trying to fit in, but it's not making me happy. I've never really felt like I was a part of society and that usually got chalked up to my age, but I still feel that way, just that it never bothered me like it does now. I was proud to stand out and be loud; to wear the weirdest shit and stand tall through it because I wanted to. I was ready to step up to the world if I had to. I miss it, I really do. I never thought that life would turn out how it has, but then who does?
I just feel like an everyday loser, afraid to step out of line for anything through fear of consequences that may or may not happen; it's like I've lost the fire that made me me, if that makes sense. I'm not sure when it happened, but I didn't realise before now just how empty I feel without it or when things changed. I understand that I was foolish sometimes and had my stupid moments that I regret and cringe thinking about, but I genuinely miss the person I used to be; I'm not content with the person I've become. I guess now the questions are, can I get that fire and energy back, and if so how? Even if I can, should I? I'm just sick of feeling like I'm living my life on other people's terms instead of for myself.
Edit: Wow, I didn't mean to ramble on that much, sorry.
Last edited: May 21, 2015
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