The "Bad Mood" Thread

Tired. Don't want to get up at 4am for work tomorrow. The boil on my knee hurts like a bitch and I want the fucking thing to go away already. Bit worried about shaving in the future, though I think this was a result of an already stressed immune system. Vitamin C might be a good idea. I feel like a gross invalid and I want to be left to my own devices for like a week.

 

I barely have any money at all, but simply because I have SOME, my brother views me as a walking ATM as well....also my mom is one to him, so it's more a personality issue of his in this case. Though I have had at least one other person treat me like that.

 

I'm $16,000 in debt and my sister still complains about having to pay for half the cat food and liter.

 

Does she take care of the cats alongside you? Yes? Well then boohoo for her. It's called a "Shared Responsibility" for a reason.

 

More than that, one of the cats is legally hers, as in she paid for her and signed the adoption fees. She also has a tendency to run off to a friend's place for days at a time, just taking it for granted that I'll end up taking care of her cat.

 

I'm starting to get... scared of what lies within my head. I had a terrible nightmare today, which was - in a nutshell - me in some gang fight, as a policeman. I was caught, then executed. (Details will be posted shortly in the dream cycle thread if anyone's interested) What bothers me most, this kind of dreams is haunting me for some time. It was rare at first, but it appears more and more often now. Different scenarios, ending up in me dying or getting severly wounded. And I feel the pain physically, to the point of waking up in the middle of the night, all sweaty and terrified.

I don't even know what to do with this. And posting it here because... well, it kinda doesn't belong to other threads. I had to vent it somewhere though because it simply bothers me.

 

I've had dreams where I murder friends, don't put too much stock in them, they're not worth thinking too much about.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. I've had some seriously messed up dreams before, goes way beyond things like murder of others or death of the self. Dreams don't affect who you are because they ultimately have no meaning, just random neurons firing off while your brain goes through its nightly cleaning procedures and your body refreshes itself.

 

As above, for the most part just try not to sweat it. I have occasional "visions" from time to time during the day in that I see my old self, doing things that I might have done in that moment if I were still like that. All impulsive, violent, and sometimes cruel. Not so much me fighting my old self, but rather I try to think of it as my subconscious reminding me how much I've improved since I was a kid.

Though to be absolutely honest, both that and my own aforementioned issue, I wonder if it's something that should at least be talked about with a doctor......and then I remember the last time I did so and they checked me in when I was a teen. Cue Walter Bishop's scenes in the episode "The Equation" from Fringe where the head shrink detains him for being "unstable", and his past starts haunting him in the hospital. (He gets through it, but that's a show with actors....)

 

I was listening to a podcast today, and they had someone call in and talk about their social anxiety, and how they're still a virgin. Everything they said resonated with me.

Except... they're 33.

I saw a horrible future flash before my eyes, and I feel sick now.

 

Taking the night off work to go home early and see my dentist. Going in at 830 in the morning to see what they can do. Hopefully it's something they can fix in short order, I'd rather not have to take a bunch of days off work for this.

 

There's always escorts/prostitutes if you're that concerned about virginity.

 

I'm not ok with that option. And it's more the thought of being alone for that long, and the fact that the anxiety won't just go away on it's own.

 

I'm in the same boat, man...

 

*takes @MurphyAlter in one claw, takes @doit666 in the other... *

 

Murphy already elaborated a bit, but virginity isn't the main issue. It's being alone for a decade plus when you really don't want to be, but have grown up in a way that has left you socially uncomfortable. With men being the "classic" instigators of relationships, it really sucks to be male, and shy/timid.

I am shy, but also pretty attractive. You know how many dates women have asked me on?

Zero.

 

Understandable, though remember that "alone" is subjective. Assuming that you're referring to it solely in the romantic context, there are ways to meet people that don't involve, say, going to a club or a bar. Online dating is getting more and more popular with the rise of the socially awkward. It's a way to get to know a person without going through the whole "we don't know each other but here we are sitting next to each other and now we have to talk" thing.

I too have grown up in such a way that I've ended up very socially awkward. Just about no filter combined with an extremely high tolerance for the grotesque has led to some awkward dinner conversations. I also cannot approach people I do not know if I'm not looking for information, I simply do not know how. I've been asked out precisely once by a girl, back in high school. Awkward 9th grade mind refused because I could not understand why anyone who I didn't know would ask me out. Literally could not fathom a reason.

I've pretty much accepted that my odds of meeting and eventually coupling with a significant other are slim to none. I've also accepted that my own apathy towards the situation is not something I'm even willing to put forth the effort to change. Apathy towards apathy if you will. I understand not everyone can be like that, and that most people wouldn't even want to be like that if they could. That said, I cannot personally comprehend the anxiety of perceived potential loneliness, so please excuse me if I've behaved in a crass manner.

 

So I went on to Youtube to listen to some music and, as I had anticipated, the featured video is about Caitlyn Jenner's coming out.
Oh boy...

I knew I shouldn't have done so, but I scrolled through the comments out of curiosity. I don't know what I expected. I feel weak and close to tears. It's a great feeling seeing these ignorant and disgusting assholes spout their shit, and even better seeing the hundreds of likes under them. I love seeing how much society at large still regards and hates people like me. /s

 

Eh? I feel like I missed something here....
(Other than Youtube Comments being a cesspool, that's nothing new to me.....)

 

Yeah, I tried the online dating thing. Whole lot of stuff I was NOT interested in showed up. There were two girls on there I was remotely interested in even MEETING. One never replied to me, and the other I already knew IRL, and was fully aware I wasn't her type, which is unfortunate cause I really like her.