The "Bad Mood" Thread

My main issue is just that he will never bring things up that bother him, and then because I bring up things that bother me, he holds it against me. Like, everyone has to give a little and you're supposed to communicate what bothers you, but what he takes away from it is that I'm "always" criticizing him because I make comments, and then he'll bring up in arguments what he doesn't like that I do. And I feel like I can't FIX it if he doesn't tell me. And then he'll say that he just doesn't like arguments. But if you don't ever talk about what bothers you, then you just end up arguing. And it hurts me that he'll have so many stored up feelings that he never told me, even though I ask him what bothers him. I think he thinks bringing up what bothers him IS arguing, and I don't see it that way.



And I'd like to clarify if anyone is worried is that seriously 99% of the time we're in a good place. We talk about our days and he really takes care of me. But he just holds everything inside and that's what causes our issues.

 

): I hope that you can get through to him that he needs to tell you those things before they become a big issue that he uses against you during arguments, because that just makes it worse. I'm sure it makes you both feel like crap too. Not good.
I guess I kind of understand how he thinks telling you that you've done something he doesn't like could kind of seem like he's trying to argue with you, but if you were able to convince him that you really do appreciate and will work on whatever it is, then maybe he'll come around. It definitely sucks that he thinks bringing it up means you're going to argue. =/ Though he should also see that bringing it up while you're already arguing is also not a good way to go about it either.

 

I don't know if you should take this as advice but, men are idiots. We are taught at a young age to bury what hurts and never speak of it. We just don't learn.

 

For reasons I'm not comfortable flat-out saying, I know for a fact he got an extra-large dose of that lesson growing up.

 

Dame, what about if you give him a notebook. Every time he has an issue, he has to write it down, and note whether he has discussed it with you, and you can do the same thing to be fair. That way, if you two get in an argument, you can look at the notebooks.

 

That's not a bad idea. At the same time, I don't think either of us would think to use it. I'd forget about it, and he wouldn't think to write down issues as they happened.

 

@MurphyAlter
That is a perfectly logical and reasonable request to make, but some would feel like its just a way to store up ammo for the next fight against them and could be met with hostility despite it being a perfectly sound suggestion

 

Well, if that's the case then nobody's allowed to get mad.

Hmm... I didn't think of that. You make a good point though.

 

...Okay, i have no idea if I'm reading into things too far or if my perception is correct again, but its starting to piss me off again.
Every time a trans or alt gender conversation comes up I always feel like some snide asshole is taking potshots at me.

I don't understand the Trans mindset/community/motivation thing. I have no problems with trans or any other gender preference or identity. do whatever the fuck makes you happy. hell, I enjoy trans porn immensely. I'm not afraid of it, the concept behind it just confuses me because its not an area I come from and I want to understand it. Plus it uses a completely new vocabulary and medical terminology that I studied and am familiar with is turned upside down and rendered meaningless, so I want to understand what the hell is going on. And when when i don't understand something, I ask questions.

And it seems that every time I mention that I don't understand it, some cunt in shining white armor rides up on their tumblrsteed and process to unleash some sort of verbal tirade that... I want to say makes me feel like some sort of backwoods idiot for no understanding it. a hostile angry idiot. And i know that people can't make you feel a certain way, how one reacts is up to them but...Why do I always feel like I'm being attacked when I try to learn. is there some conspiracy that I'm going to uncover, are people just to damn sensitive and I can never seem to talk to a sane and rational person who can actually talk through this issue, am I paranoid and imagining the hostility? i don't even fucking know anymore.

It's gotten tot he point where i dislike discussing alt gender identities and preferences, because there always seems to be some angry hyped up activist looking to tear the throat out of anyone who isn't just shouting encouraging things at the gays and trans. And it;s never the gays and trans that do this. it's their fucking activists! and it's like the actual people I want to question can;t get a word in edgewise from the screeching going on and then I just get flustered and kinda scared and so I just leave.

I don't feel like I'm asking a lot. Just some questions and answers from people who live the life I don't understand. I'm polite and non-judgmental, I'm friendly. is it too much to ask to ask a human being a question so you can understand them better without having some over protective son of a fuck stick swooping in like some god damned mother eagle aiming for my eyes?
is it just me? has anyone else ever gotten this impression? I am at a fucking loss here and it's bothering me again.

 

Tumblr is definitely your problem. The same way they rendered brony as an insult instead of a fan of MLP (that is its original and truthful meaning), they rendered your sense-making knowledge with their retardness.
And yep, tumblr is again your problem with the Saviors of the Universe, who Inhabite the Glorious Hills of Acceptance in the Reign of Almighty Tumblr. A lot of people on Tumblr that "stand for acceptance", welp, they just don't and will be a harsh to anybody thinking different as them.
It's okay to ask questions and to debate, just find someone that is not an asshole xDDD

 

The phrasing of your comment on the other thread was a bit off-putting to me as a trans-guy. Instead of asking questions on a forum in a confrontational sort of way, why not Google information about transgender topics and the process of transitioning if it is so interesting to you? Commenting that you'd like to start a debate topic makes it sound like if you can't ask questions, then you're going to debate about what trans people should or should not do with their bodies. =/ If that was not at all your implication, then okay, but you need to realize how your phrasing can come off offensively.
Also, the mention of loving trans porn is irrelevant when it comes to you 'supporting' trans people. That actually only makes it sound like you fetishize trans people.

 

Urgh me n gf had our first relationship councling today which helped a lot she was even saying love you back to me for first time in 2 Weeks but she sent me a text asking why I'd added a member of baddragon on Skype and hadn't mentioned anything. Tbh I hadn't thought much of it. She said it was OK But then I felt guilty as fuck so have shut all my Skype accounts... And then relised what a cock I was the night when I was pissed on here and was on about stuff in the trip discussion... And now I know I need to tell her n I'm freaking out majorly cos I don't want everything yo go tits up again

 

Congrats glad it worked out

 

First off, I hear you in feeling attacked when you're reaching out for info. And Tumblr's usually brought up as a platform where folks are infamous for dogpiling on folks who are seen as outside the community in question (just last week, a trans guy buddy of mine tried making an account there, only to quit two days later when every post he replied to had somebody telling him to shut his cis-guy mouth, what with him having gone through enough hormone therapy for a lush beard in his icon).

Here's the thing, though... I wonder how much of the miscommunication stemmed from folks misinterpreting your intent. 'Cause, speaking as from within the community? We trans folks get our personal existences questioned on a dang near daily basis, whether it's mundane stuff like folks checking the bathroom door when they come in and see you, all the way to threats shouted from random strangers on the street (I've had it happen!). And from how often it happens to some folks, sometimes the most logical-seeming line of defense is to go on the offensive right away. Even if you were honestly asking a question, please understand that all those "I don't GET you. Why would someone do that?" spoken *with* malice can start blending together at the edges until harmful intent starts to sound like a given. What sounds like hostility to you can be the reaction of someone who's had to explain this to less than willing-to-learn folks umpteen times over. [shrug] Can't speak for everyone in the Tumblr crowd, but.

If you want, I can look up some info sites-- PM me sometime and we can talk. But as others have said, with as much information's available online, walking in and starting up a conversation on the subject with "I don't get it. Someone please bring me up to speed." is sort of like walking into a library and expecting anyone wandering through a certain section to look up books for you. It's kinda not their job to act as educator from square one for every person coming through.

I hope any of this made sense. :/ tl;dr dogpiling is bad but a lot of folks are speaking from experiences where they've been invalidated and questioned from the get-go; I can help out with info but not everybody's gonna want to be educator to everyone coming into the conversation. [pheww.] There! :3

 

Fuck it. Considering how ineffective my ability to pleasantly communicate already is, I'm not going to attempt the full reply for fear of me getting ostracized from yet another forum. I will respond to this when I am in a more rational and neutral state of mind, if I even care enough by that point to do so. Short story is that I wasn't trying to be hostile/inappropriate/offensive(see Stephen Fry for my feelings on that word) or any other negative connotation my post was interpreted as. So I apologize for being the rude, angry asshole on the forum, again, I had purest intentions, as I'm sure you had, and I'll go back to my old method of silently lurking so that I can accidentally stop pissing people off again.

 

For what it's worth, you get props in my book for realizing posting when you're angry is never the best way to get one's thoughts across very well. I can think of a couple folks on Tumblr who haven't figured that part out in years. :3

 

Bolded for emphasis. At some point everyone just has enough and sometimes that ends up meaning dog piling on an innocent person. It doesn't excuse their actions but you have to realize that these people have all been through some really shitty stuff. I mean for fucks sake almost half of all trans people try to commit suicide at some point. So trans people as a whole are already on their heels in the corner in the 4th round and are bleeding heavily. So after suffering beatdown after beatdown (both metaphorical and literal) there's not a lot of tolerance there for anything that remotely sounds like the same sort of abusive crap they've already been through.

We get that a good portion of people don't mean any harm when they say certain things but the fact is that the same exact language is used to degrade and hurt them on a daily basis. It's like when an old person refers to black people as "negro" or something. When they were growing up that was the language that was used, but their non-harmful intentions don't excuse the built up vitriol associated with those words. Another good example would be standing on someone's foot. You don't mean to stand on their foot but even though you didn't mean to hurt them their foot is still in pain and the immediate association is all the times they've been intentionally kicked.

And one last thing, people get tired of explaining things over and over. It's exhausting and sometimes traumatizing and so even though to you're perspective you're just trying to learn to their perspective it's just another damn person thinking they're entitled to their time and energy simply because they're part of a specific demographic.

For your edification here is a pretty good primer on what terms mean and a little bit of basic information. I also have a sex ed thread in the help section that gives some info on this stuff.

 

First, no one ever called you an asshole.

I would, however, like to reiterate what @gerbilfluff said about a person going into a library and asking someone else to do the work for them. It's simple to Google the things you were asking about rather than go into the thread and say you don't understand the medical terms, procedures, and changes, or why trans people do what they do. I'm far from an angry hyped up activist, but when someone comes into a thread and says problematic things, I'm going to respond. I realize you didn't mean to be offensive, but there is a reason I responded with what I said.

You can't expect people who are different from yourself to drop everything and cater to your questions when there are tons of resources out there for you to educate yourself with.

I'm not trying to start a fight, man. Really. I'm not trying to make you out to be a jerk, either. I'm just saying instead of make a big deal out of something that you don't understand, just take the time to educate yourself first. If you don't know where to look first a simple, "Hey, I'm not sure I understand how this works, can you send me some links on how testosterone changes a person's genitals?" would more than suffice.

 

I don't mean to sound like I don't care, but I really think that trans issues need to be their own thread, since it's a very large topic, and a lot of people here will be talking about them.

 

No, I know. I really don't think it needs to be a thread, though.
I was just trying to explain why I responded how I responded. I'd be more than happy to take it to PM, but this was more or less just me trying to explain what happened.