On another note trans-wise, I'm at a point where I don't really know what I want and everything is conflicting. I want to present a little more femme, and I think skirts and dresses are really cute and I look fairly decent in them... but I get massive amounts of dysphoria when I put on feminine clothes. Bras are the worst culprit. I want to dress like the technicolor fairy of fantastical queerness, but the "best" I can manage is going binder-free in a button-down shirt.
I want to grow my hair out a little because it looks good when it's a little longer, but when it gets long enough to be cute, I end up dysphoric. I kinda want to shave my beard, but I know I'd get misgendered a lot more (I get correctly gendered by strangers about 99.26% of the time currently), and when I trim it too much I get dysphoric.
Sometimes I wonder about the idea of de-transition, but then I remember how much dysphoria presenting as female gives me.
On a less extreme note, I sometimes think about stopping testosterone, but then I remember how much it really helped and continues to help. I do think I want to lower the dose, though, and maybe go on topical testosterone because I HATE, HATE, HATE injections and can't do them myself... It's worth it, but it seems like it gets more difficult to handle every week. I've been putting off scheduling an appointment with my doctor for months, I really gotta get on that...
I've also been putting off breaking in a new binder... the new ones I got like a year ago are almost definitely a size too small, so I need to get at least one new one. Normal lifetime for a binder is about 6 months... I've been wearing my current one for about 2 years. I go binder-free whenever I feel like I can get away with it (so, not at work...), but it looks kinda gross and dumpy, depending on the shirt. x__x People keep asking me when I'm getting top surgery, but I don't really know anymore if I want it. My tiddies look pretty great to me sometimes (in kind of a "wow, check out my awesome queer body!" way), but they get in the way so much. It would be nice to be able to look "presentable" without a binder. I've always said that hormones are for what /I want/ for my body, but top surgery would be for making my body "acceptable." It's more complicated than that though, and I actually REALLY don't like having people touch my boobs, though with a partner sometimes it's ok if it's not sexual touching.
IDK.
Being trans really sucks. Like, forreal. There's a lot of cool stuff and a whole world that kinda comes with it, but there's a lot of shitty stuff too. All in all, it's way more overwhelming than I was ever really prepared for.