The "Bad Mood" Thread

Getting real tired of my health insurance.

I'm was given a prescription for a 3 month pack of insulin to keep my Type 1 under control. However, every time I go to my pharmacy I'm told that my insurance won't cover the cost, even though my doctor and I have gotten authorization from them multiple times. So unless I somehow come up with $1,400, I'll have to pay out of pocket or risk heart, kidney, and nerve damage.

 

What shitty insurance doesn't cover insulin???

 

It covers insulin, just not the kind my doctor prescribed.

 

You mean it's a different brand, or is it a different delivery system or something?

 

Different brand, I guess.

I'm prescribed Toujeo, which my insurance won't cover, but they will cover a different brand called Levemir. I've used Levemir for a week on a lower dosage as per instructions given by the label. At the time I was taking 30 units of Toujeo, but half that of Levemir. How the two differ, I don't know. I much prefer Toujeo as it is an slower, easier injection. While Levemir is a quick injection and sort of uncomfortable.

 

Well, there's only one kind of insulin chemically, so I imagine the generic brand would be just as good.

 

Spoiler: Rage at League of Legends

SO I just got out of a ranked match in League. I am temporarily using Elise for jungle. Go into the match as a 5 member team.

The Enemy team decides to double jungle.

So the entire game literally all my jungle camps are gone cuz these assholes keep farming it, and I literally cannot get any items because I am no getting enough gold for it. I am super mad, and my team isn't really making things better for me. I can't even help my team out if an enemy is pressuring their lane, as I literally cannot do any damage.

THE TEAM ENDED UP SURRENDERING. LIKE WTF. I still reported the assholes, because it was an unfair advantage and I was fucking PISSED.

>end rant<

 

I feel you bro. In a game of level 30s with my friend once (I'm still lv25 but I was lv16 when this happened), someone decided to do duo top and I actually said in chat that it wouldn't go down well, even my friend backed me up about how stupid it would be. I don't remember if we won that or not but some people have some strange ideas sometimes. It's defiantly is a dick move if someone did that in Ranked.

 

I'm so tired of people waking me up by screaming.

 

I am depressed all of my next check will soley go to car loan, insurance, and balancing my credit card. I will literally have $70 afterwards.

Solution: Sell more of my toys. YAY.

 

^ yeah. I'm currently stuck in a Financial Loop of Hell. Trying to catch up on bills because of bills I shouldn't even have and my wife's careless spending.

 

Gaah, there's someone I'd love to commission more often, but they only take dA points, and I'd rather give my money to the artist...

 

I can't shake a general sense of dread and anxiety. There's a bunch of shit I should be doing and/or dealing with but I'm not, and I feel horrible all the time.

Also, I feel physically ill most of the time. I don't know how much of it is an anxiety/stress thing, but it's a bother. I can't eat much without feeling really icky, especially certain foods like pizza. I've lost weight, which I'm sure my doctor will be happy about... but it wasn't on purpose, and it was like 20 pounds. My joints hurt most of the time, which has been an issue for years. I don't have energy. Both my father and my eldest brother were recently diagnosed with diabetes, so I feel like I should probably get tested for it too. Sigh.

On an emotional level, I always feel like I need /more/, even if my body doesn't want it and/or I just can't handle it emotionally. More food, more toys, more social interaction, more attention... I have a void, and nothing will fill it. Nothing will even enter it. It's very frustrating, and I'm sick of it.

I have a new job, and they've been careless with my privacy. It's common knowledge that I'm trans... which is whatever, but I wish I'd been able to choose who to tell. What really bugs me, though, is that a bunch of my coworkers know my birthname (it's still my legal name). Nobody's been shitty about any of it, but I hate that the choice has been taken away from me. I'm kinda at the point where people can't really tell on their own, so it's really unnecessary for my coworkers to know at all. Ugh...

Spoiler: Transgender dysphoria stuff

On another note trans-wise, I'm at a point where I don't really know what I want and everything is conflicting. I want to present a little more femme, and I think skirts and dresses are really cute and I look fairly decent in them... but I get massive amounts of dysphoria when I put on feminine clothes. Bras are the worst culprit. I want to dress like the technicolor fairy of fantastical queerness, but the "best" I can manage is going binder-free in a button-down shirt.

I want to grow my hair out a little because it looks good when it's a little longer, but when it gets long enough to be cute, I end up dysphoric. I kinda want to shave my beard, but I know I'd get misgendered a lot more (I get correctly gendered by strangers about 99.26% of the time currently), and when I trim it too much I get dysphoric. Sometimes I wonder about the idea of de-transition, but then I remember how much dysphoria presenting as female gives me.

On a less extreme note, I sometimes think about stopping testosterone, but then I remember how much it really helped and continues to help. I do think I want to lower the dose, though, and maybe go on topical testosterone because I HATE, HATE, HATE injections and can't do them myself... It's worth it, but it seems like it gets more difficult to handle every week. I've been putting off scheduling an appointment with my doctor for months, I really gotta get on that...

I've also been putting off breaking in a new binder... the new ones I got like a year ago are almost definitely a size too small, so I need to get at least one new one. Normal lifetime for a binder is about 6 months... I've been wearing my current one for about 2 years. I go binder-free whenever I feel like I can get away with it (so, not at work...), but it looks kinda gross and dumpy, depending on the shirt. x__x People keep asking me when I'm getting top surgery, but I don't really know anymore if I want it. My tiddies look pretty great to me sometimes (in kind of a "wow, check out my awesome queer body!" way), but they get in the way so much. It would be nice to be able to look "presentable" without a binder. I've always said that hormones are for what /I want/ for my body, but top surgery would be for making my body "acceptable." It's more complicated than that though, and I actually REALLY don't like having people touch my boobs, though with a partner sometimes it's ok if it's not sexual touching. IDK.

Being trans really sucks. Like, forreal. There's a lot of cool stuff and a whole world that kinda comes with it, but there's a lot of shitty stuff too. All in all, it's way more overwhelming than I was ever really prepared for.

I broke up with my partner on Wednesday. It wasn't a tragedy, I did all my crying about it long ago, and it was mutually agreed that it was the best choice. I wish I hadn't put it off for so long, but... meh. At least it's over and done with now.
At this point I don't really know what I want in/from a partner, and I have a really bad habit of rushing into relationships with people I barely know and/or have very little compatibility with. I don't trust myself to wait for the right person. Plus, I still have baggage from the relationship before this last one, and that's really messing with how I feel about sex... ugh. IT USED TO BE FUN. Fuck this. Fuck everything (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Tl;dr: I feel like garbage in a multitude of ways pretty much all the time. And it sucks, it sucks a lot.

 

I'm not sure if people are meant to respond with suggestions/advice/whatever, so i'll leave this here until I know

 

I'm terrible at finding the right things to say in these situations. I'm much better at being physically comforting. Like if we knew each other IRL, I'd insist that we go get snowballs (I never know if this is a regional thing, but it's crushed or shaved ice with flavored syrup. horrible for you but it's a warm weather staple and it's impossible to be sad while eating one) and see a funny movie or something. A good hug would be involved as well. I hope things get better for you.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. My wife has some kind of mental delusional disorder. We tried a couple years ago to get her help but I couldn't have control of things to make sure she got it. Then she got pregnant and couldn't take the meds. But now I'm pretty sure it's happening all over again. Or she is such a great liar she even convinces herself, besides everyone else. I really do love her, I just don't know how to handle this happening again. I've tried so hard to be patient and understanding while also trying to keep her making us homeless or even more in debt. This is a constant state of stress and anxiety for me.

 

I think this is part of why I'd have a hard time being in a relationship with a trans person. The limits of my experience with dysphoria is "I don't like being fat because it's unhealthy and not generally regarded as an attractive quality.". I couldn't imagine disliking so much or everything about my body or my biology. In fact, I think if I was magically turned into a girl, I really wouldn't care other than the initial reaction to the change. I'd have no real ability to imagine how my partner feels, and I'm not comfortable with that. Add on top of that what you specifically are dealing with, where you're not even sure if you want to be the gender you were initially transitioning into, and I'm so completely in the dark that I can't relate at all.

 

So I left my jacket at my boyfriend's friend's house. Unfortunately, my credit card was also in it. So had to report my card as lost. Not saying I don't trust them, but I don't trust them xD

 

I totally understand this. Even the comparatively lower level dysphoria and insecurity about weight and whatever can be enough to drive a partner away. It's not something I've ever experienced on either side, but it's a fear I have because I have a pretty shitty self-image due to my weight and other superficial things. There's only so much "I love you" and "I think you're beautiful/handsome" can do. It's a very internalized thing, and while other people's opinions can help (and hurt of course), you have to work to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. I know the difficulty of that process varies greatly from person to person.

 

Is he not close enough to just go and get it?