I figured no one has replied to this yet bc its such a tangled up mess, but I wanna take a stab at it. This is a lot of info and it helps me to divide it up into smaller bits, so here I go:
The Kids : This isn't about just you anymore. You have children, children that didn't get to choose to be part of this equation. Your very first obligation is to consider their needs before anything else. You owe them healthy food, water, shelter, your time and love, that's all. Whatever goes on between you and the two ladies can not interfere with what you're doing for the kids, that's a separate problem. I'm sure you don't want your children to grow into adults that will have your problems, so do what you can to be the best example you can be. The kids will be happiest if they know they're parents are happy. Who lives where and whos married to who won't matter to them at all.
The Old Flame: You and her broke up in the past for a reason. She can list all the excuses under the sun, but when you boil it down, she decided that your relationship was a limb to be pruned away. Whatever problems she was experiencing back then, she didn't trust you to share them with her and help support her through them, which is the ENTIRE thing healthy, committed relationships and marriages is built upon. She loved you, but left you anyway and she may very well do it again. Her character as a person doesn't lend itself to trust. She, as a married woman, contacted you after all these years, learned you were married, had children and STILL participated in a affair with you, no admirable person does something like that. She is only concerned with satisfying her own feelings and I see nothing but heartbreak for you if you continue to pursue her.
3) The Wife: You probably do love your wife, but not as a fully dedicated husband should. You're living a lie right now and the thing about lies is that they always find a way to the surface. When you weigh your options its either "Be The Bad Guy Who Asked For A Divorce" or "Be That Piece Of Shit Caught Cheating On His Wife". Theres no painless way out of this unfortunately, that ship sailed the moment you said "I Do". I can only guess that your wife is experiencing all this the same way you are, but SHE probably doesn't have the loving arms of a 2nd party soothing away her pain, shes suffering alone and that's unfair. Ask for a divorce, BUT please assure her that it doesn't mean you'll be abandoning her. Most of people's fear of divorce stems in the idea that they'll be alone and the EX is going to become an enemy hellbent on making they're life as hard as possible. Don't let her feel that way. Tell her that you still want to be good friends and still want joint custody of the kids. She might actually be relieved to be out of the marriage if shes been feeling as empty about it as you.
4) Being a divorcee: Its going to be disorienting being on your own again, but it will be worth it to get control of your life. Cut off communication with Old Flame, nothing good will come of that as no relationship born in deceit has ever prospered. You need to spend some time alone and figure out who you are as an individual.
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