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Depression and Anxiety Support Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Dr. Tran, Aug 14, 2014.

?

Fuck depression...

Poll closed Oct 2, 2014.
  1. In the ass

    8 vote(s)
    40.0%
  2. in the ear

    3 vote(s)
    15.0%
  3. In the eye

    4 vote(s)
    20.0%
  4. in the mouth

    4 vote(s)
    20.0%
  5. with a cactus

    10 vote(s)
    50.0%
  6. with fire

    14 vote(s)
    70.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    I had a nervous breakdown some time ago...wow, it's been almost seven years. Figured out a lot of things about myself and my childhood, stuff that looked so normal to me on the surface and my therapists just looked at me and said in no uncertain terms that it was emotional abuse. I'm doing immeasurably better now, happier than I've ever been in my life, but I still keep digging up new things, crap I've been dragging around and didn't realize there was anything amiss with it.

    I'm...well...this is paradoxically hard to admit, but I'm smart. Woo. Okay, I said it. I was really good in school, always the center of attention from my teachers, and I basically built my entire sense of self around this concept because it was the one thing I could reliably get praise for. I sucked at everything else: I was messy, lazy (or so I was told), selfish (so I was told), sucked at being athletic, sucked at being popular, sucked at being girly, sucked at being a good daughter, sucked at being with guys. But damn it, I was the SMART one, and I LIVED for that pat on the head from my teachers, for having A+'s all over the fridge, and every time I tried to stray from that little niche, I got slapped down. On the other hand, I was also taught that the worst sin a human being can commit is to be vain or want to be the center of attention. So I spent my entire childhood craving attention, but anytime I got it, I was supposed to immediately shrug it off and minimize it. Every achievement was a tightrope: be gracious, be perfect, and above all, remember that it means nothing or else you are an asshole.

    After my breakdown, I left grad school and a high-pressure career in the sciences for a much more satisfying job where I get to stay home all day and write code. I love it. I've barely spoken to another human being beside my husband in all that time (he has the same job). I've healed a lot, tried to learn how to value just being happy. But...sometimes it gets lonely. Both of us have been burned so many times by supposed "friends" and family members. There isn't one human being we can even reveal our religious beliefs to: my parents will lose their minds and my mother is in such poor health that it could seriously hurt her, and we could lose our jobs. We tried looking into local groups, but there's nothing for us. We're moving again, just across the state, but it's a more liberal area, so maybe we'll have better luck there.

    I originally joined the BD forums to ask one question about a toy, lol, but it turned into something much bigger. I've learned so much, but on top of that, it's been like a gentle re-introduction to interacting with people: a safe way for me to reach out when I wanted to and CAREFULLY construct everything I wanted to say, and with the constant, comforting knowledge that I could delete my account and run away if things ever went bad. It's also made me realize that I still have a ways to go. Every bit of attention I get, I feel like it's some kind of drug that I'm addicted to: it's a major high, but it makes me feel guilty, like I'm "taking" without giving enough attention back to other people.

    I hate social rules. No matter how much I "studied" them as a teenager, I still felt like it was a foreign language: I do one thing and think it's fine, and people act with horror. I see someone else do something I think is reprehensible, and everyone acts like it's nothing. I realize now a lot of it was just that I knew some really crappy people, but it's a hard feeling to shake, like I'm walking through a mine field that everyone else can see but I can't.

    That was a whole lot of rambling, and I don't expect anyone to comment, but it felt really good to say it :oops:
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2014
  2. YogSothoth

    YogSothoth Most definitely a vagina wielder

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    I would want to hug you now, virtual hugs okay with you?

    That's a lot. Social stuff can be so hard if there was stuff wrong in upbringing/childhood (as clearly is the case with you), or if your brain is just wired differently. Are you talking to a professional about it these days?

    The building your selfesteem around intelligence, but also the dilemma with craving attention but also being afraid of not giving enough back, I can really relate to. I am doing way better now, by trusting in others they can decide for themselves how much they give; that's not a responsibility I have. But trusting others is a hard thing sometimes.
     
    Caracal likes this.
  3. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    Virtual hugs will work :) Thank you.

    I have mild ADHD, but no Asbergers or anything like that. I was in therapy for a few years and on antidepressants, but I'm doing much better now, even got off the meds, and I'm out of therapy. Group therapy was about the best thing that ever happened to me. Every once in awhile I just have a bad day, dredge up some new angle on the whole thing, but I hope every time it happens, I learn a bit more and get a little stronger.

    Hugs back to you too :)
     
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  4. MurphyAlter

    MurphyAlter The Floofiest

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    That really sucks. Glad you found your way out.

    Also, you can't be fired for your religion, unless your employer wants to be fucked so hard up their ass by the ACLU, that it comes out their mouth. That shit is illegal, and you can sue for serious discrimination.
     
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  5. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    In theory, it's absolutely true, but in practice, it's not so clear cut. Ee, I'd like to explain, but I don't want to risk identifying my company by accident. Long story short: I love the company I work for and my boss is an awesome guy, but I could tank our company's reputation in the eyes of some very important people. They couldn't outright fire me, but things would get ugly really quick.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2014
  6. MurphyAlter

    MurphyAlter The Floofiest

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    Well if that's the case, then yes, it would be best for you not to mention it. You sound like you might be higher-up in the company, so it would be best to avoid mentioning.

    But why not tell us instead?
     
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  7. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    Oh! I figured it was against the rules, and I don't want to make things weird. Welp, if it is, I'll happily yank this post. I'm an agnostic atheist, my spouse is straight-up atheist. Both of us from heavy christian backgrounds (met at Bible Study, lol). I don't have anything against Christians or anyone else; I'd just like to be left alone about it >.< For all her flaws, I know my mother really cares about me, and it would scare her to death to know I left. My dad is...he's...complicated. He means well, we'll leave it at that. I figure on telling my brother someday, but he's got enough on his plate at the moment, and I want to give him a chance to get that sorted out and figure out his own life. He's a good kid; I'm pretty sure he'll be okay with it.

    Wow. Thanks for the encouragement to do that. Okeday. :D

    EDIT: Okay, now I feel silly for making a big deal of that. Which is how it should be! I'll, um, climb off of my soapbox now, and let someone else post.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2014
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  8. MurphyAlter

    MurphyAlter The Floofiest

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    No problem! I'm actually an atheist myself. There's actually a lot of good media and friendly meetup groups out there if you're willing to take the time to find them. I'd suggest looking up some atheist podcasts. I've noticed that the ones with science-leaning content, rather than theology-leaning content, are a lot more positive, and you end up learning stuff!
     
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  9. flapper72

    flapper72 Well-Known Member

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    You already know my opinion about that ;) If I could adopt you as a sister I would.

    Anyway onto my story of sadness, that does end in happiness!

    WALL OF TEXT MODE ENGAGE!
    SPELLING AND GRAMMER MISTAEKS INBOUND!


    It starts at the start of my second Quarter of College, so a little under 2 years ago. Basically I just turned into a hermit. Stopped hanging out with friends, didn't do anything outside of my room other than go to class. I felt like I was enjoying it because it was just me, my thought, and youtube videos. Once I came back for my third quarter I just became completely sick of school entirely. Stopped going to class, didn't talk to anyone, just stayed in my room. I still wasn't really sad or anything (which probably wasn't healthy). Naturally I failed basically every class I had signed up for. My parents we're concerned of course, so they took me to the school therapist and she diagnosed me with AD(H)D or hyper attention or something similar. My parents shrugged everything off because they are ultra republican/conservative (except for religious stuff). So because I failed everything I basically just left that school and went and applied to another one (how I got accepted is beyond me). I could have stayed there and been on academic probation, which as far as I can tell means fuck all in college.

    So onto my second 'year' in college at a completely different school. I stayed a bit of a hermit but I did actually go to class. However the pressure did end up getting to me and I "failed" 3 of my classes and actually failed the other 1. At this school if a class you're taking is for your major and you get less than a B- you fail. And if you get less than a C- you fail. o_O Fucking bullshit imo. So yeah that first semester was dumb. And boy was I ever not remotely motivated to try hard the next semester. I did actually pass 2 of my classes that semester though, which was nice. All the others I failed though... I told my parents that I was going to be fucking done with school for a while when they came to pick me up and bring me home.

    So it became summer time I didn't immediately have a job because economy and I didn't want to bother my parents with driving me around to apply for stuff. I got my license only a month ago. So for like 3 months I was just sitting around doing nothing and parents didn't help me feel any better about it either... Nothing like genuine ridicule from the people that are supposed to be supporting you and helping with life :mad:. When it was becoming about time for school to start up the depression really hit hard. I realized at that point that I didn't have a simple school year ahead of me and that I would need to be a responsible adult. I was scared of my parents kicking me out for being such a POS. This then lead to copious thoughts about suicide as an easy way out of everything. Luckily I never actually acted on any of these thoughts which is good. What made this 3 months even harder for me was that my Mumble server was going to shit and I was starting to lose interest in my TF2 server. My mumble was just being filled with people that endlessly pissed me off and I just wanted to ban everyone on there, but I'm just too damn nice for that... I went completely offline on steam for a good 2 weeks just because I thought that would somehow help. In the past I would go onto my TF2 server and hang out, do some rocket jumping, have a great time. But I was feeling a complete hatred from the community that just didn't exist. So I didn't go on (I still don't go on there much but that's because of ping). So I was being hated by myself for stuff that didn't happen. Imo that kinda defines depression for quite a few people rather well.

    Now to the happy bit. I got a job!!! YAY! So I started to make some money and I started to enjoy being an adult and not having to deal with the complete bullshit that is school. I started taking some drivers ed stuff so I could actually pass my driver's test. Everyone I was working with was super supportive with that. I was expecting ridicule because it's kinda silly imo, but they were all really happy for me about me working on getting my license. And you probably guessed it, my parents didn't help much. They kept making the same unfunny joke too damn much... anytime I would drive (always because lernin') they would 'freak out' and be 'scared' about me driving... THAT'S HOW YOU BUILD SELF-ESTEEM IN OTHERS RIGHT? MAKE FUN OF THEM? grumble grumble... I will say I don't like my job much, but it's a hell of a lot better than school. Recently I started getting active in the BD forums and saw how much fun you guys have with life in general, which just passed onto me and flourished. Then my parents found my toys... Full story here. So that made me sad but, Caracal <3 helped me get through the pain. I feel I thank you way too much for that :p If you continue to read that thread you will see that I came out of the closet to my best friends and told them everything and I'm still stupidly happy I did. Of course yesterday I came to this forum and you guys just gave me a big warm e-hug welcome. And then it was now and then I don't know what happened.

    On the subject of my parents I think they still think I'm a perfect, innocent, vanilla, little boy that will grow up to be an Enginer leik his parnts. I was going to say they thought I was straight little boy too but I'm sure they think I'm a flaming homosexicle because they found my toys. And they are so fucking wrong. I don't hate them but moving out seems so much nicer. Especially because they've been on vacation for over a week now and I'm not dead yet.

    I'm happy now and now that I know my friends and you guys will be here for me no matter what I hope to stay this happy forever. <3 I could probably put more words here but I've said enough. And most people won't read most of them anyway :p
     
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  10. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    That's a heck of a story, flapper72! Thank you for sharing, and I'm so, so glad things are going so well!! I understand why our parents tell us we can and should go for these ultra-respectable "dream" jobs, but I think it can be harmful when it goes too far: simple happiness is underrated. And you've got some good friends.

    Well, you pretty much made my week :D Month? (And you're not the only one to take awhile to get your license...I was 26 >.< )
     
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  11. flapper72

    flapper72 Well-Known Member

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    It also doesn't help that my parents are sitting on more than enough money because they were doing really well in silicone valley in the 80's... And from what they've told me that was their second or third job ever... I decided awhile ago that if I can make enough money to live in a 1 bedroom apartment, get a new high-end computer every 4-5 years #PCMasterRace, and still retire eventually, I'll be happy. The Society of Single Apartment Dwellers (SOSAD) is always accepting :p

    Yeah my friends are great :D everyone (other than you guys) that I've told everything to has been about my age. It seems like my generation is accepting of basically anything. I still have yet to tell anyone I know IRL, but I'm confident about them still loving me after the fact.

    :D The feelings mutual!
     
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  12. slick

    slick Active Member

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    I locked myself in a cubicle and sat on the floor with the lights off for an hour, just had to get away from everyone. I told them I had an upset stomach. My problem is not so much my anxiety or depression, which I can generally deal with, but living with someone who has trouble dealing with their anxiety and lets it spill on to me. I try to soak up as much as I can, but there's a limit and when I see it flooding towards me with no end in sight I just want to take off like a rocket and disappear into deep space. But I can't. So I buy more shit I don't need and tell myself to be happy because so many have it much worse.
     
  13. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    Sorry to hear that, slick. Rule #1 I learned in therapy: you can't compare traumas. Saying that you have no right to feel bad because others have it worse is like saying that having a finger cut off doesn't hurt because your neighbor lost a leg. It all hurts, and someone else's pain doesn't make yours any less real. Don't beat yourself up for feeling.
     
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  14. MurphyAlter

    MurphyAlter The Floofiest

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    I like that analogy.
     
  15. Z'haruul

    Z'haruul Member

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  16. flapper72

    flapper72 Well-Known Member

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    Why do I always type so much...

    I'm posting this here because relevance.

    I almost feel like I can't be sad anymore... Angry, saltly, happy, scared, meh, [other emotions], I can still feel those, just not sad. I really don't know if this is bad or unhealthy or my life is just fucking fantastic right now (which I think may just be the case). I don't know. I think if I do feel sad now I just get over it very quickly in a potentially not good way. I've learned (from when my parents found my toys) that I seem to turn almost any negative emotion into anger towards others, sorta like a 'fuck you for making me feel bad' thing. I think that's better than hating myself or just having those bad feelings sitting around, but I'm not sure getting mad at other people is any better. Maybe it's because I haven't been sad in a while and I've forgotten what it feels like, with my toy incident that was all guilt/shame not really sadness I don't think. Can you forget emotions? It could just be a defense mechanism I setup so I don't feel like shit all the time for all the stuff I've fucked up, which is a lot trust me, just read my first post in this thread, then add 4 years of never getting above a 2.8 GPA once during high school. I think I graduated with like 2.4 cumulative. One thing I will say is that I'm not an idiot, I know that I'm smart, I just haven't given a shit about school since probably 6th grade so about 8 years now. Why did I just type all that, that was really off topic.

    Anyway is it bad that I can't be sad? And is it bad to turn negative emotions into anger towards others? I'm more confused than upset.

    Maybe I'm just a robot that can only be happy OR angry (hehe, shitty logic joke). If that's the case then I'm perfectly fine with that because I'm programmed to be. :p
     
  17. Erethizon-dorsatum

    Erethizon-dorsatum Eats all the lichen.

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    I am relatively new here still, and am still taking time to explore the forums and get to know people. I am so glad that a thread exists here for folks to share the burdens of their mental health struggles. I have read through a bulk of the content posted here, and a lot of it rings true for me in my own life.

    I have been struggling with depression for the past decade or so, pretty much since since I first tried to come out as gay in grade 9. My life can be broken down into cycles of depression. It is so difficult to overcome the dark cloud and try to get on with your life, just to be threatened by another storm shortly thereafter. I am trying to embrace some wisdom in accepting that this is a issue I will deal with until I die. There is no quick fix or cure. There is only endurance and tenacity.

    I am currently in the process of recovering from a long, dark period in my life. I am now two years divorced from a terrible ex-husband. We were together for seven long years. He was manipulative, emotionally abusive, and completely irresponsible. My life spiralled out of control for a long time before I had the confidence to try and turn it around. About five years into the relationship I managed to get my husband to agree to move to a small town so that I could go to college. We separated after my first year in school.

    Despite the emotional drain of the separation, I had something to hold on to. I was able to finish college last year on the Dean's List, and am now pursuing a degree at University. Mostly though, I survived thanks to the amazing support of my new partner.

    I could fill a novel with my shifty life. Presently I am struggling with the burden of seven years of repressed memories and abuse from a terrible relationship. I find hope to carry on by setting goals for myself, by allowing my self to dream of better days.

    I want to give big hugs to everyone on this thread who has had to fight through the darkness of depression (or other mental health issues). I know how hard it can be. I know how hard it fucking is. I want to also give big hugs to everyone who has supported or loved someone with depression (et al.). I am always willing to chat with anybody who needs an empathetic ear. Talking helps so much. Sharing eases the burden.

    P.S. My sincere apologies for any neglect I gave towards spelling/grammar/syntax :3
     
  18. YogSothoth

    YogSothoth Most definitely a vagina wielder

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    So... Wait. My brain/body is not only letting me deal with how to adapt to my burn-out, and what changes in my life need to happen to not make me crash again, but my neurotransmitters decide to put a depressive episode on top of that? (I have been feeling sad and a bit out of it since Thursday/Friday) I so hope I'll get my period soon, so I can blame it on PMS... Meh :(
     
  19. Willowcat

    Willowcat Member

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    The nerves in my shoulder and back decide to give me the big fuck you. Even though I am use medicinal marijuana it is still saying fuck you. Yay it is nerve pain.
     
  20. Reptile

    Reptile Semi-Professional Butthole Spelunker

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    Man, to go be able to lay down in the dark all by myself wh where nobody can see me would be so good.
     

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