Depression and Anxiety Support Thread

Just ventin' here cause I feel disappointed and let down again.
By everything. Also, wall of text warning.
And I don't even know why. Nothing is going wrong this time, maybe it's just all the stuff around? I dunno. Just everything gets back to me again. It seems like depression is a monster that you can't defeat; you can send it back into another plane for some time but it will come back and bite twice as hard.
For me it's not really one big problem, rather the sum of all the smaller ones. I can't focus on fixing one thing in my life, because other restrictions make that impossible. (Chain logic, I have bad mood because I live in a cold home. I could fix that with money, which I don't have. I could earn them, but I don't have a good enough job to cover the costs. I don't have good job, because I'm not educated and experienced enough. I'm not experienced enough, because nobody wants to employ unexperienced worker so he can gain some. Blah, blah, blah.) Also I'm feeling a lot like dead inside from the loneliness more often than not, but when I try to hit on a girl (even if I'm bi, dating guys here is rather a no-go unless I'd like to be publicly lynched and be total social outcast lol) I just keep getting rejected for shitty reasons. I was bullied a lot in my early childhood because of things I couldn't really change. (Wearing old clothes, not having that cool expensive stuff everybody around had, et cetera... Being poor in general. You know how brutal children can be, you don't have new phone? You aren't a part of our group.) I was always 'that last one to pick' when it came to picking a team for... well, everything. Group projects, team games, people to live with in room at school trip... It was more like I'm just some dust lying around until teacher just asked why nobody picks me. I live with two mentally sick persons, one of which is my own father. He gathers all the junk and trash, then just spreads it around the house. Second mentally ill person is my grandma, she's an amputee and had severe stroke. And my already sick enough mom has to take care of her (and I help her as much as I'm able too), because my grandma's own sister refuses to take care of her instead. Nobody in my family feels really close, save for my own mother - my grandparents treat our side of family like shit, while my mom's sister is treated much better.

Yeah, list of things bothering me can go on for a while more. To be honest, I mostly carry on because of the community I'm in right now. (Yes, I'm talking about this forums.)
It will pass away, then strike back. Then pass away again. I just have to carry on somehow, and you all give me strength to do that.

 

I haven't been able to force myself to go hiking or climbing or much of anything besides going to work and staying inside gaining weight. I rarely even draw or cook anymore.

 

I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately. I don’t want to die, I have had days where I’ve felt the urge of ending it all but have always been kept back from doing so because of my family depending upon me, and the amount of pain that would cause those who care about me (who are absolutely fucking insane for caring about me in the first place.) But if I didn’t have those two things, I don’t think I would be alive right now. I feel lost, I feel abandoned and left to my own devices, I feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts and pain and misery. Last month I ended the friendship with someone I considered a brother after he confronted me with issues he had with me, not because I didn’t want to sort all of that out and make things right, but because with all of this weight on my mind I knew I wasn’t going to have the strength to, it’s just easier and better for me mentally to block it out, to ignore it for now despite missing the ever living fuck out of him. And now the friendship with the closest friend I’ve ever had appears to either be slipping away or is gone completely, and I don’t know what to do. She gave me a sense of guidance, a sense of direction, she meant more to me then I could possibly ever express, but I fucked up and now she’s been gone for three weeks and I have no clue if she’s ever coming back, and I don’t think a single day has passed where I haven’t shed tears over her, it hurts like a mother fucker, it really does. And my depressed little brother is becoming bad at taking his medication again and I’m pretty certain I caught him talking to himself about how he’d end his life the other night, and my mom is playing oblivious to that while her health declines and is instead choosing to focus on bullshit with our tenants not paying rent as well as trying to figure out why I’ve been acting different since returning from my trip up to NC in September, and then another friend of mine has developed feelings for me despite neither of us being in any sort of situation right now to see that through which puts me in a really fucking awkward spot, but I don’t want to let onto that so I tell her I’m cool with talking about it and all of that when really I just want to curl up in a ball and cease to exist. I’m tired of living each day just hoping that tomorrow is better, so tired, I want to stop having to rely on keeping my head busy to keep myself from over thinking about every single little detail and more importantly, I just want all of this to end.

 

Here I was thinking I was just a lazy unmotivated fuck and now the happy doctor wants to increase my dosage since she suspects it's actually depression. I don't even know if there is a difference between lazy and depression. I've been like this all my life how the fuck do I know if I 'feel better' this is my normal.

 

Yeah, there's a difference. The less supportive (or even just less informed) people in your life might not understand that, but there's a difference. Getting a real diagnosis can stir up different emotions in different people: some find it upsetting, like someone from on high has officially said you're broken, but others find it a relief. It means that (1) All the shit that you've taken the blame for all this time? All the internalized shame? It's not your fault. It doesn't mean you get to sit back and expect people to cater to you, but it does mean you can stop blaming yourself. Self-hatred is a hard thing to unlearn, but it's possible. (2) If the condition has a name, there's help. It might not be easy or 100%, but there's medication, therapy, known programs, and countless people who've gone through this before you.

"This isn't me. This is an illness. And I can fight it."

 

I apologise profusely in advance for this outburst and any negative emotions I may cause, but it's driving me insane keeping my thoughts and feelings bottled up.

Spoiler

I'm having a really hard time keeping myself together right now. I honestly can't see a future for myself with the way everything in my life is going. I feel like I'm running out of time too quickly and I'm nowhere near where I expected myself to be at this point. I'm having recurring emotional breakdowns that just leave me feeling drained and empty.

It's starting to dawn on me during my final year in university of learning fuck all that I'm not intelligent enough to get a decent job even if I do finish it. Even if I miraculously did manage to land one, the thought of a monotonous full time 9-5 job absolutely terrifies me and is almost definitely something that would destroy my already withered mental health. The only thing I've ever been exceptionally good at is playing games, and we all know there's no way to make that into a stable job without other various skills behind it.

And then there's good ol' transsexuality that's always on my mind and on top of everything else, making me feel shit all the time, and which I can see no way of doing anything about. It invades absolutely everything I try to do in some way without fail and I have no way of staving it off.

My social life is completely non existent; I literally have nobody I would consider a friend, let alone a close friend or partner. And I find it extremely unlikely to even hope to gain any, least of all a partner, due to my unusual lifestyle, interests and crippling confidence/self esteem issues. I can barely speak to anyone and often go for days without saying a word. I can't even talk to my family about any of this because they're too concerned with their own problems and I'm aware of how stressed it makes them when I try, usually ending in an argument or an utterly pointless "we all have problems, deal with them".

The monumental pile of shit that is society strains my mentality all the time too, rife with injustice, misery, ignorance and violence all the fucking time. Shadow games here, propaganda there, inane debates by careless people on important issues, pointless discrimination that makes innocent people's lives unbearable; the frustration drives me crazy. Hell, I've been assaulted both verbally and physically several times by complete strangers just for the way I look or dressed, all in public broad daylight. Yet statistically, I'm one of the "lucky ones", if there could even be any. And all of that even before transitioning or really being as "out there/individual" as I'd like to be.

I just don't know what to do any more. I feel like a complete and utter loser. I've already decided I don't want to live past 30. At this rate, I'll be surprised if I make it to 25. I've thought so much about suicide in the past 4 or so years, and most of all over the past year. I almost did it a few times, the last time even writing out a note saying goodbye, but I never had the balls to push myself that little bit further, and still don't. I just love my parents too much, and it hurts knowing how much it would hurt them; they've already been through so much more than they should've. I feel grossly ashamed just thinking about doing it to them.

Nobody knows about any of this though. I've gotten so used to hiding behind a brave face that people often think I'm one of the happiest people around. Then again, how do you tell people that you don't want to live anymore? How do you tell the people who love you the most that you wish you were dead and there's nothing they can do for you? How do you tell the people who gave you life that you wish they hadn't bothered?

I ask you though, please don't think this is a cry for attention or sympathy. As I said, I really just have nobody else to talk to and I feel utterly trapped.

 

of recent months to past year ive been swinging around more than usual. my lowest points usually span a day's worth, morning to night. they happen mostly when there is some sort of upsetting event that doesn't even directly affect me.

ill go back in time a ways. there are many more cases in my history though.

all through early to mid teen years, i was bullied from mental to physical and back. once, it got bad enough, the school did nothing, so me and my mother phoned the police. that was the 7th grade, and for the most of 8th nobody messed with me (the cop that attended to my case was one that i knew through my mother's job as a karate teacher). skip on to junior and senior year, i moved to a technical school. best choice ever. unfortunately... there were new bullies for me to deal with.

one stole small items from me. the one that bothered me most is that she took the single pencil i use to draw, the same one i have had for many years. after a couple of days i manage to steal it back. on the way to lunch, she found then started to attack me, while i just kept walking. this story of an argument of a pink pencil went all through the school. she and everyone else thought it was hilarious; but as an artist that has an extremely picky hand (it is literally the only one that feels perfectly balanced. being a bic mini with pencil-top eraser) and that it is the pencil i have had for the past ~5 years, seen one through death and trauma, seen thousands of drawings, you get attached to the most unbecoming of items.

that matter passes. this goes into the mental abuse.

there was one boy in my class. he was one of those holier-than-thou Christians that shoved religion down other's throats. the boy hated me because i openly say i am pan/atheist and always undermine his speeches against my being. so he decides to mount the emotional attacks.

there is one class that i often drew on the whiteboard where there was nothing to do in the class. one day i decided to draw Ra, naturally i write his name with the drawing. he decided it must have been a day to pick on me, and he really hit hard. i don't remember all of it, but he questioned why i draw, which is for fun as much as it is for myself and my mental health (what scraps were left). at that he went to say that i should just stop drawing. if there is anything you never, ever tell someone who just said that they draw for mental health, it is to stop. if i had it in me to charge and beat the living slag out of him, i would have. at one point we tried to claim that Ra's name was a terroristic threat. (really?) the whole time, i know the teacher was watching. i managed to keep a curt smile and in one piece, but telling me to stop drawing is like telling a bird to stop flying. you are telling to stop doing what is their livelihood.

the years and years of the harm gave me a shell, thick skin, and the want to do nothing but become solitary. i couldn't trust because i was double-crossed and backstabbed. it was hard to get me to talk or go places. boyfriends came and went, i made mistakes of letting me throw myself wholeheartedly into relationships that were to soon wither and die.

of recent ive had a boatload of stress thrown on my shoulders since i graduated from school. i need a job. i need to earn money. i need to move out. i need to do taxes (although i don't think i am required to because i made < 3,500). all this was thrown onto me. in school they taught you none of that, nothing of what to look for and what to avoid in renting and buying an apartment or house, how to fill out your taxes, or where you can look for entry-level jobs that don't require a college degree (that isn't a gas station). school doesnt really teach you anything worth knowing. i dont remember a lick of statistics.

of the past many months i have had a boyfriend. his being in the Navy is great, and i am proud of him. but it is a wreck on us and our relationship. several times we planned to meet, all of those times his job stopped us. a few weeks ago he disappeared without a single word and not been back since. its making me worried and anxious beyond belief, i don't know what is happening and and i cannot reach out to him when i need help in the middle of the night like i used to be able to in the earlier months. in those months with him i came out from my shell and became more trusting. i let my weirder side show, to find he embraced that. once i trusted him more... i once again throw myself wholeheartedly into this. and this time, i am not giving up... but dangit does this unknowing hurt. it was one thing when he was shipped out, i at least knew why he wouldnt be around... this, i don't. at all. every day i hope to see him come back. and every day i am disappointed that i hoped for it.

lately i seem to be suffering more of these attacks, mild to extreme. some days i dont want to get out of bed. oh, how much i want to call it depression. i want to say i have a problem. but i dont. i dont want to say i have a problem because people will give me attention that i view as unjust, that i will get attention for something i have carried myself through for many years. that people i want to work for will drop me because i am seen as unfit, unstable. also because i will have to take medication, and that is something i hate to do because i have a self-imposed ban on drugs.

i dont know what to do. i dont have a job, i am almost 19 and living at home. i hate attention for problems, i want to be the only one treating me. i am rife with inability to reward myself often as i should, prone to days or even weeks where i just don't want to do anything and have minimal physical interaction. most of all i constantly disappoint myself in hoping to see a boyfriend that might not even be 'home', and feel helpless in trying to contact him.



i broke the turkey's wishbone... i hope it works. i shouldnt, but i do.

 

*hug*

 

I know your feels. I really do. And while I know it will be hard to do... Keep fighting. If not for yourself, then for us. I have recently started a fight too... I know it might be a vain attempt that will utterly fail. But I'm trying to keep up, and deal with this.

I know what you mean here too. I was bullied a lot in my early ages and being a shy, backed out child didn't help that, I was treated like air before when it came to any kind of relationships (you are better on this one, as you actually had relationships xP)... Same things.

Sadly all I can give both of you is just a good listening ear and a werewolf-ish hug. But try to keep yourselves up.[/COLOR]

 

I was going to post in the secret confession thread but I just want it here. If you don't read any of this I completely understand, I don't want to guilt you into it. I just need to get this shit off my chest and in the air right now. Trademarked wall of text inbound.

I have serious issues with asking for help. It is just painfully difficult for me to ask for any kind of help from anyone about anything. Right now I'm trying to decide on how to color my next toy and I would love some input from you guys but I'm just such a chicken shit and I just have terrible anxiety about it.

I have 2 theories about my just insane social anxiety.

The way I was raised was not exactly ideal, is how I'll word it. I never really felt that my parents were there for me prior to me turning about 15 (more on that later). Because of this I feel like I had to raise myself. Not so much in a physical way but I had to teach myself and learn from my friends everything I could, because my parents barely taught me anything. The silver lining to this is that I can basically teach myself anything or learn from tutorials in very little time. Hell that's how I learned to edit videos, use SolidWorks (CAD), program computers to an extent, basic electronic engineering through minecraft redstone, and even rocket jumping my number 1 hobby for nearly 2 years now that I've dumped at least 1000 hours into.

My other theory is that I'm too damn proud about my ability to learn almost anything on my own. I guess I just don't want to show myself that I can't learn for myself. I don't want to be unable to support myself intellectually. I know that being able to teach yourself anything is no small feat and I am incredibly proud that I can go from 0-60 in next to no time at all. But I guess I've just got too much of a lead foot sometimes.

Spoiler: More on that later

Anyway onto my parents not really being there for me till 15. My parents had a business that went completely belly up when they got screwed over by a 'trusted' co-owner. And this is the second time this happened to them within ~5 years. So they were done being in business with anyone other than their stock broker and lawyer (who then fucked them over in court, but that's another story). So what this means is that from when we moved to this town 20 years ago (I was 6 weeks old), they were super busy with those companies, and growing up I never felt they were really there for me. Especially the one memory I have of my dad telling me to "play in traffic" when I was 7 or 8 and I was in his office wanting to show him something. Good times :/ To add onto what my parents did(not) do for me. We live in a massive house, in a gated community, with only old retired people. There has been 1 person in my age group that has lived here for the past 20 years as far as I know, and I never really got along with him. So I couldn't just walk down the street to jeff's house and hang out. I was raised with next to 0 interaction with other (non-family) people on the weekends and summers. TV was my main escape, until my parents finally bought me Pokemon Ruby, which changed basically nothing.

To add onto all that because my parents never taught me anything and for the most part only ever focused on the negative things that I did in school or at home, so now I don't want to talk to them about anything. Anytime I would tell them anything I thought was good and I was happy with they would bring up something I hadn't done and they weren't happy with. I would get A's and B's in math and science then C's and D's in history and english, you can guess which they mentioned more. A more recent example I found my results for the ASVAB (standardized test the military just eats up), and I scored in the 93rd percentile or higher in like 9 of 12 categories, 3 of which were 99th percentile. When I told my mom that, she just said that's why their 'so dissapointed in me, I'm smart, just really lazy'. I know both of those to be true but there's just something about the way she worded it that really gets to me. They basically always left me feeling worse after I talked to them about anything, so now I've learned my lesson, just don't fucking talk to them. Guilt is powerful and my parents know that and abuse it. Even when they found out about my sex toys they tried to guilt me into getting rid of them. I can't fully explain my hatred for that shit. They also still haven't had a serious discussion with me about them yet, even though it happened in September.

My parents still want me to go back to college and get a degree and yadda yadda. But now they have no way of guilting me for the school work I did(not) do. I am free from most of their bullshit. When I get home from work they are happy to see me and we talk about our day at dinner. No guilt, no shame, no pain. I understand they just want the best for me, but this is the best right now and they just don't understand that, mainly because I haven't told them tbh. I know that if I just keep going it'll end way better than it currently is, but for now I don't care. I like how my life is now. I know that once I move out life will become more real and harder but I don't care at the moment. I feel like if I do go back to school next fall semester I'm not going to tell my parents about anything I'm doing. I feel that I could possibly be happier to not have them on my ass constantly. They always pressured me into signing FASFA or whatever it is, because in truth, they are paying for everything, but my mom has explained to me many times that that money is mine when it gets boiled down, so I don't need to explain anything to them.

The other important thing that happened that year was I went off to my sophomore year at high school. And by school I mean a military boarding school (which I have 17.5 good, fun stories from there). I thought I wanted to go into the Air Force and do stuff with them. But after 3 years there I decided against it. So I think because I was a thousand miles from home my parents actually began to care a little bit more. Which really annoys me thinking about it, the main time they cared was then I was a thousand miles away from home, not when I was 4 feet from it or them. Also this was my Sister's second year in college, and her first wasn't remotely good (she sorta lost control of everything and went full hermit). So my parents were hoping I wouldn't do the same.

So yeah. That's a thing. I've found it takes a few months for me to be comfortable with a person to where I feel no anxiety. My coworkers who I've known for 4 months now I've only just been able to feel, I guess, safe with. I've noticed that if I only need to deal with a person for 5 minutes I'm perfectly sociable and normal (waiters, cashiers, etc.) but when I know I will be around a person for a really long time my defenses don't hesitate to go red alert. And all of this is a lot easier here on the internet just because there's 2 keyboards, 2 monitors, and a few hundred miles of copper between you and me. I do desperately hope this doesn't leak into any romantic relationships I have.


TL;DR Social anxiety is shit and has ruined me. I'm too proud to admit my failures/lack of knowledge, and I feel my parents didn't do the best job raising me, so it all compounds on itself into a big heap of shit.

 

@flapper72 - Reading that, I saw so much of myself and so much of my best friend in you and your situation. I know words won't make I better but you can always talk to me when you need someone to talk to. I can give you my phone number and/or a personal email address if you need. And I'd especially like to help you think of a toy coloration :3
<3

 

I feel like shit :c And it's not anything "physical", it's more literal, "I'm worthless pile of junk" kind. It's going on for a few weeks actually, and I can't quite get rid of that feeling. It's affecting me in a way that I don't want, but also I have zero motivation to try and change something. I have a feeling that nobody I know outside of Internet actually cares about me and how do I feel... I have tried speaking to my friends about that on a party some time earlier, they just repeated empty phrases like "it will be okay", then they forgot about it 5 minutes later.

Do I even mean anything to anyone? I doubt, save for few people. I feel like I'm just that 'friend' that everyone accepts not because they like him, but it's rude to say bad things in presence of said person.
(Also, I know most of this probably isn't true - but the evidence I encounter so far prove quite otherwise. Other than friends I made here there is also real world - and I'm talking about it now.)

It's just me spewing out dirt from my mind as usual, carry on. Nothing to see here.

 

@DameKathryn つ ◕◡◕ ༽つ hugs

What I've heard is the only real way to get over this kind of issue is to just suck it up and get over it. The problem is the sucking it up and getting over it part... Also I don't get many opportunities to be in close proximity to people for long amounts of time so it's not like I can just get up and get it taken care of now.

 

@flapper72 - Suffering the same issues about fear of asking help (among other things) I can completely understand what you are living. I haven't found any solution yet but an advice I can give is don't isolate yourself from others too much. I've done it several month ago and it gives nothing good. Courage!

 

Not much I can offer for this latest batch of issues, other than saying that being productive is the best way to feel better in my book.

 

not sure to call it depression, anxiety, or anything. i almost want to say existential crisis but it probably isnt the right word.

you know how sometimes you sorta of feel unreal? like a simple thing: "eating keeps me alive" and it sends you into some sort of spiral down. makes you feel tiny and insignificant.
yeah. got it again.

... im worried that i have to go back to the waiting game to see my boyfriend and its making me sad to think that and sending into the other thing.

 

Spoiler

I think I need to talk to a psychologist, or a shrink, or someone professional that can tell me what's going on.

For years now I've just felt... empty. No joy or sadness. No love or anger. The days just seem to melt into each other, like time just resets once I fall into the unconsciousness of sleep.

I say I don't need any positive or negative emotions, but it feels more like I'm a monster wearing the disguise of person. The monster being my inner self, unfeeling and logical before emotional. The disguise being what people who meet me in person see, the compassionate and thoughtful person. But when I'm asked to open up to people, or when they really try to get to know me, when someone wants to be a... friend. I feel I need to force them away, to keep them from, metaphorically speaking, seeing what's behind the mask.

I've never been good at... opening up, and talking about myself, so that might sound like rambling.

 

I can say that talking to a good therapist can DEFINITELY help. My guidance counselor at my college was a trained psychologist, and I can say that without her, I'd probably not graduate, or have a job right now. She's the reason I'm no longer depressed and looking forward to every day now. If you at all have an opportunity to seek one out, do it, even if you think you're a mentally healthy person, it's nice to have someone to talk to about your insecurities.

 

I agree with Murphy, though you should also take steps to ensure this isn't a chemical/hormonal issue as well.

 

I highly doubt its anything like that.

The only chemical imbalance I've been told about is my lack of... something that begins with an N, I think. I don't remember. It has something to do with me not being able to sleep well, or sometimes at all.