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Monogamy and open relationships

Discussion in 'Debates' started by Snærhjarta, Aug 11, 2014.

  1. LucarioZer0

    LucarioZer0 Guardian of Aura

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    Not currently in a relationship...though there is someone I'm rather in love with.
    What I would want...monogamy, simply put.

    Now, nothing against polygamy, or open relationships, If it works for you, then fine. The most I'll do is quirk a brow and wonder how you make it work.

    That being said...the way I see it, love-and the stuff that goes with it-is like a rare gem. If every one has it, then I feel like it loses its value. But I like to think that when you share your love with another person, and they cherish and value that love, and then you do the same for their feelings toward you, then those two people have created a unique and infinitely precious connection that puts all other things to shame. To know and love one person on their most intimate levels, to love them for both their good points and their flaws, and to fully share yourself with them, is something worth devoting yourself to.

    But that's just how I feel. Again, nothing against you if polygamy and/or open relationships are your thing. I'm not going to bash anyone elses view or feelings, because different things work for different people. If it works and you're happy, then more power to you. :D
     
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  2. Keely

    Keely The Happy Helpful Husky

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    I'm in a monogamous relationship with my partner and have been for the last three and a half years. We've flirted with the idea of opening up our relationship but are hesitant because we don't want to accidentally ruin what we have if unexpected feelings happen. I know I'm capable of loving more than one person as I have very deep platonic love with several of my friends and think I could share romantic love with another person or people. But being demisexual and demiromantic an open relationship just for extra-relationship sex would be useless to me.
     
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  3. Edelweiss

    Edelweiss Member

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    Not in a relationship, but I'm crushing very hard.
    I would want a monogamous relationship, simply.

    It can work and i know that it can, but I am very very uncomfortable with myself and my body. I would never be happy in a relationship knowing my partner is finding comfort in another person, emotionally or sexually or otherwise. It would just ruin me if somebody i felt so strongly for found comfort in another, even if it was something we discussed and agreed to. It's not for me simply because I'm not comfortable with myself or the person that I am, and if somebody wants me, I want them to want and care about ME alone, not sharing their love with somebody else.

    I hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound like a jerk.
     
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  4. LucarioZer0

    LucarioZer0 Guardian of Aura

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    Perfectly honest, it does sound a tad selfish...but its justifiable and understandable. I would rather have a loved one's full attention as well, to comfort them and be comforted by them alone(well, at least in the sense of a relationship anyway, as you'll always get comfort from friends and such on certain things).
     
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  5. Blinding

    Blinding Well-Known Member

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    Not in a relationship, but like a few others here I'm crushing incredibly hard.
    And I would absolutely want monogamy.

    I don't have any issues with those who want a poly or open relationship, it's just that I've gone that route and it didn't work out. I'm not a very jealous person, or anything like that, but what ended up happening was I ended up in this relationship with this girl who was already in an existing relationship (with his approval,) and so it was just the three of us for a while and that worked wonderfully, and then she tried to bring in someone else. Not a big deal, right? It was when I started getting shoved to the wayside for him, and that really hurt, and I didn't better the situation by starting to lash out because I could feel her becoming more and more distant. And that helped me realize that when I commit to someone, I want them to commit to me as well. Sharing physical intimacy isn't a big of a deal to me in talking about a generalized relationship, instead what is important to me is emotional intimacy, and if I'm going to invest myself into you completely emotionally then I want and somewhat expect you to do the same, as that's only fair, and a polyamorous relationship seems like it would interfere with that completely, and an open relationship I wouldn't be opposed to but it would definitely put me on my toes a bit as it would leave the opportunity for what happened previously to happen again.

    As far as my current crush, I'm fucking crazy about her, and if I get her then I don't see myself not wanting anything but her completely.
     
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  6. Grimmyr

    Grimmyr Skitstövel ー!

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    What kind of relationship are you in? In a monogamous relationship.
    What kind of relationship would you prefer? I like my relationship monogamous, and I would like for it to remain that way.

    I do not have any issues with anyone who is into the polyamorous scene and I respect them for what they choose! I am a very needy person and when I have attention from the person I love most, I don't ever want to share that good feeling with anyone. My boyfriend makes me feel like the only person that matters to him, and I love to feel that way. He makes me feel special. He can talk to me about any of his problems without feeling bad, and he puts all his trust in me to help him through thick and thin.

    If he had to rely on more than one person to entrust things with, I would feel really bad. In the same sense, I love being able to entrust all of my personal things with one person. That, and like Edelweiss had mentioned, I am very self-conscious. I am a curvy gal and I love every bit about me, but I always see in the media and online that skinny is always better than curvy. I don't know what I would do if sexually, my boyfriend spent more time doing things with a skinnier gal than myself. Selfish? Maybe. I have nothing against thin people, I just think aesthetically curvy is my choice. I just always feel like people are willing to give the boot to anyone who isn't in a size 5 jeans.

    I just sometimes feel like there has to be a good balance between intimacy and emotional time spent with a person, and poly relationships can sometimes throw one out of balance. Sometimes people would feel bad if they aren't getting enough intimacy with the person they love, and sometimes they might feel bad if they're not getting enough emotional time with them. Poly relationships are too complicated for me. I have a lot of love to give, and that love I only want to share with one person!

    How to explain ones feels completely? I've noooo idea. Especially when you don't wanna come off like a douche or someone who doesn't approve of the thing they're debating about. [​IMG]
     
  7. GuyStripes

    GuyStripes An automatonic shark pirate

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    What kind of relationship are you in?

    I'm currently single, and I don't mind. I enjoy it but I wouldn't turn down a short term relationship, something casual and fun, nothing serious. I would eventually like to find that one person I can truly connect and settle down with.

    But that's not happening anytime soon. Maybe though.


    What kind of relationship would you prefer?

    I wouldn't say no to an open relationship, if it comes to our love life. If my lady wanted, I wouldn't mind her having someone on the side to have sex with, as long as I'm allowed the same benefit. If one of us is in the mood, but the other isn't, I don't see anything wrong with having a side buddy, as long as the other partner is comfortable with it, and as long as that side person understands they are only brought on for sex.
     
  8. Soulaire

    Soulaire Chronic Roleplayer

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    Im a lot like Exe... I've been in a lot of monogamous relationships and they've all... not ended well. I think I'd do better in a poly, simply because I'm highly physical and have a high sex drive. But for it to happen both guys have to like me. I won't get into a poly where there's bias and one person will probably end up getting hurt.
     
  9. YogSothoth

    YogSothoth Most definitely a vagina wielder

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    I prefer and have poly relationships, for the past 5 years or so. At this moment I have two relationships: with my girlfriend and with Master. My girlfriend has no other partners besides me, and my Master has another partner that can be seen as his primary partner). Besides my two partners I have a friend that I care much about and she cares much about me, and it hangs somewhere in between a relationship and friendship, but is not labelled. And I also have 2 friend-with-benefits (both guys) that I both see about once a month.

    It works for me. The relationships I have are different from each other, and everyone is cool with one another. I'm friends with my Masters girlfriend and my Master quite likes mine. This makes for easy communication, which makes stuff run smoothly. I love easily, and I can get jealous, but for me that's usually a sign of a need I have, and not a sign that someone else is "not allowed" to get something, if that makes any sense.
     
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  10. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    Very happily monogamously married. Can't imagine otherwise: I'm a very introverted person, and my husband isn't so much my sex partner as he is my other half. I HAVE to trust someone to open up like that, and I like that he knows me inside and out.

    Funny thing is, what counts as "monogamous" isn't set in stone, and it's something that my SO and I discuss a lot when it comes to tech and fantasy, to make sure we're on the same page and make sure no one gets hurt. Flirting--online or off--is 100% off the table, for both of us, never a question. Got some minor rules on fanfic (still in flux), though we've both got a kink for fictional threesomes, lol. RP romances with virtual characters are okay as long as it doesn't get weird or obsessive. If sexbots every become a thing, we'll talk again. It's not about having a rulebook; it's about finding out what makes my best friend tick and doing everything I can to protect and turn him on, as much as he does for me.

    The idea of an open relationship makes my head hurt, but I totally support the idea for other people. I saw a poll once that said something like...60%? 70%? of people would cheat on their spouse if they could get away with it. That horrified me, until I realized that the poll left out one very important stat: they didn't ask how many people would be okay with sharing their spouse with someone else. If the majority of the population wants the freedom to sleep around but demands that their SO remain monogamous, that's, well, it seems selfish to me. If, on the other hand, the majority want to sleep around and don't mind sharing their SO, that could mean society might be a whole lot happier if poly/open relationships were more accepted and encouraged. It really rubs me the wrong way whenever I hear someone say that monogamous relationships are therefore unnatural or doomed to failure, though; I feel like "Hey, I'm being considerate of your preferences; please be considerate of mine."
     
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  11. Exeter

    Exeter Cuddly, Snuggly, Slutty Dragon

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    I think I'll be in a polyamourous relationship very shortly. There will be details as things evolve. Loving someone is easier than knowing how to label the situation. C'est la vie.
     
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  12. MurphyAlter

    MurphyAlter The Floofiest

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    I'm curious, where do you guys draw the line on flirting? Is it at very personal complements, or do you take it all the way to actually saying you'd do something with the other person if you could?
     
  13. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    Good question. If I think a reasonable human being would interpret my behavior as "I'm interested", I won't do it: that would include forward body language like touching a guy's hand or shoulder, complimenting a guy on his physical appearance, or any comment that feels awkwardly personal. It very much depends on context: I feel comfortable complimenting a woman on her hair because that's a very accepted platonic behavior, whereas I wouldn't compliment a guy on his hair because I can be 99% sure he'll think I'm hitting on him. I'm also more likely to compliment someone in public than in a private conversation: the latter is more personal. At the moment, we don't have any close friends, so if/when we do, I might find I'm more comfortable displaying platonic affection.

    We actually haven't talked that much about what's okay with real people because it's something neither of us are interested in to start with; we talk a lot more about what's okay in, say, the fanfic we write, because we're always pushing boundaries there. (I think our acquaintances would be more than a little surprised to view the contents of my harddrive :D) I also hate how this stuff is often viewed on a single sliding scale, from conservative to promiscuous; boundaries don't have to be logical, self-consistent, or static with time. Porn featuring me and a centaur? Sure! Porn featuring me and a fictional human? No thank you. Threesome in fiction? Hell yes. Threesome in real life? Not in a million years. Heck, there was a brief period in there where we were okay with 2m-1f fictional threesomes, but not 2f-1m threesomes. Why? Because who knows. Felt right.

    Let me be clear: I'm not in any way arguing that this behavior is appropriate for everyone--some people are far more comfortable with innocent (or even not-so-innocent) flirting. I once read a comment where a single guy said that he viewed marriage as a trade: you're trading freedom and casual sex and all these things you love, to confine yourself to one person...and I find that to be a pretty dismal view. It doesn't have to be a trade; if you find someone really compatible with you, there's a good chance that they're going to have similar standards, and you'll be able to find a compromise that makes you both happy. *shrug* At least, I hope that's how it works.

    Er...sorry, didn't mean to write that much :oops: Climbing off soapbox...
     
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  14. Vitani

    Vitani Tertiary antagonist

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    I think compliments are okay...but it depends on context. Like, I wouldn't comment on a guy and lead him to believe that I'm interested in him, but I have no problem saying that I like their hair.
    I have a lot of male friends, though my boyfriend has admitted that he's uncomfortable with me hanging out with them when he's not around and that is acceptable to me. Afterall, if the tables were turned, I don't think I would be too comfortable with him hanging out with girls without me :)

    I understand that some people may look at this and think 'Wow, how controlling and unfortunate.' But really, it's not. If anything, it just brings my boyfriend and my friends together more, and we always have a lot of fun n.n
     
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  15. YogSothoth

    YogSothoth Most definitely a vagina wielder

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    @Caracal : I like how you do things! Are the rules always the same for both of you? Or can it be that for one person it is fine to write certain stuff into the fic, and the same stuff doesn't feel fine for the other?
     
  16. Caracal

    Caracal Warm-blooded Cat Furniture

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    :) Usually the "rules" go both ways, but not always: I asked that he let me write the first 2f-1m story, to give me a chance to get my head around the concept and write her as a very unthreatening sort of character, and he was cool with that. He hasn't written one of those himself yet, but I've given him the okay now.
     
  17. Reptile

    Reptile Semi-Professional Butthole Spelunker

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    Relationships are weird. Going through this thread I feel like I'm trying to read a foreign language lol.
     
  18. YogSothoth

    YogSothoth Most definitely a vagina wielder

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    So, is a (love) relationship of any kind something you would want? Or is it just foreign territory for you?
     
  19. Exeter

    Exeter Cuddly, Snuggly, Slutty Dragon

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    Today marks the first day of dating two men at the same time. It's a new adventure and I'm deeply taken with both of them. I have a wonderful future with both of them and they are so close and connecting right now, I feel like I've woken up in a dream I'd never even dare dream <3
     
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  20. MurphyAlter

    MurphyAlter The Floofiest

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    This whole boundaries thing is just so foreign to me, since I've never had an IRL relationship. I'm not sure where my boundaries would lie with someone in real life, but I think my line would be pretty far out, basically drawn at anything physical or sharing pictures. I think I'd be comfortable with an SO doing whatever else they want online, though IRL flirting I don't know...
     

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