Monogamy and open relationships

I don't know much about love, but I wouldn't want anyone wasting theirs on me.

 

That's because its OTHER people's relationships.
No two are the same.
If you find one, it will be as natural to you as breathing. Don't read into the hype of what a relationship is "supposed" to look like

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

*hugs*

Love is not a finite resource, so it cannot be "wasted".

 

I'll keep that in mind.

 

You're too sweet.

 

I'm not sure, I don't think I'm edible

 

Still worth a taste.

 

Here, let me help with the following translation guide:

I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
I'm sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
I'd do anything for you: I'd do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be
My condolences for your loss: *crickets* ... It's just a body. See you later when you aren't being an emotional train-wreck.
S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven't had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
I love my family: Mine.
That's simply shocking: You've touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now...
Deep down, I feel I'm a good person: I'm not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
I'm not a monster, I'm a human too: I'm trying to seem human, give me a break. It's not like this is particularly natural for me.

 

So, here's a trick one for you, boys and girls: what do you do when your beloved's doctor takes sex off the menu?

Because that's more or less where I am right now. After 15 years together, my partner's epilepsy is so bad that the drugs she takes means her libido has dropped to zero. She has no interest... in me, or anyone else.

So, the question then becomes, how do you enjoy your sexuality? (Presuming you have one) Do you cheat? Do you get her permission and seek outlets elsewhere? Do you limit those outlets to purely sexual ones (booty calls, commercial venues) or do you negotiate for the right to, you know, actually like the person you're boffing? Or do you just give up sex entirely and surrender to the sickening sensation that your only outlet for the rest of your life is going to be your right hand?

 

EDIT: Removed most of my message, too much personal info. I'll just leave this:

In the case of such a tragic situation, I think the only people who can answer this are you and your partner: what would you want them to do if the roles were reversed? And what do they want from you?

 

I'd say that @Caracal has exactly the right point. It's your relationship, you are the only one who can decide the best course of action here. If she tells you that you're living with your right hand for the rest of your life, then you have to decide what that means for you. There are no rules for how relationships work, you only have to live with the partnership you create. If that's a partnership where you cheat, and you can live with that, be prepared to live with the consequences. If it's one you can no longer find tenable, that's fine, you have a certain responsibility to respect that feeling in yourself. You can't spend your life with somebody who can't make you happy. Don't give up on your partner quickly, fight for the life you want if you have to. This stuff is complicated. It's messy. People get hurt. There are consequences to every path you go down. Just face them like an adult. You only have one life, you have to live it the way, and with whom, you want.

 

I wouldn't cheat. I know somebody who was in a sexlless relationship but they had come to agreement that he was allowed to sleep with others. I'm not entirely sure what all the rules were (I'm assuming it was to safe sex and not to do it her presence or has to hear about it, being discreet). So my advice to talk about it with her and let her know you have needs. I mean if you still love her and want to be with her... just there's no sex between you.
And if she's not willing to do this or listen to you... what's your option? Rosy palm or cheating? Both will end up unsatisfying in the end and the latter could end being worse. But than again if you do break up because of cheating, you're free to pursue more sexually active people.
Meh, don't really listen to me. Too many variables.

 

Caracal has it spot on.
The answer to your dilemma entirely depends on you and your partner. What you two are comfortable with, and what you each are willing, and unwilling to do.

You'll just have to sit down and have a serious talk with her about it.

 

But I think Shardik's concern is going to be if they can't come to an agreement. If they can't, then he has to make a decision whether to go with her will, and make himself unhappy and celibate, go against her will, either with her knowing or not, or leave. I can imagine how every option would cause him great pain and distress, and that's what his real question is: What to do if they disagree?

 

I'm afraid that anything I can say is going to sound cold and unhelpful to anyone in a situation like this, and for that I really apologize; I know it's very easy to comment on this from an "armchair" position, and things are much harder when faced with it in person. That said, here's my thinking:

If there's disagreement, it's no different from any other deep relationship disagreement: both parties are going to have to be honest about what they want and need, and decide on their priorities. What to do if one wants children and the other doesn't? If one wants to move to another country and the other doesn't? If you're committed and in love, but you're polyamorous and your SO wants to be exclusive? There may be no right answer, and you'll have to decide which is more important: your relationship, or your sexual needs, or if there's a compromise in between, and being honest is just as important as being "noble".

I do think that some compromises are swept too quickly off the table, and are worth at least considering. Example: The number of couples who seem willing to discount sex entirely when there are non-traditional options still available surprises me: things like oral sex might still be on the table, or even one partner pleasuring the other out of love rather than desire. I suppose those options might not appeal to everyone, much as an open relationship option doesn't appeal to everyone.

There's also a potential gap between what might be "most laudable" vs. making the best of a bad situation. I don't think I could ever advocate cheating--wouldn't it almost always be better to at least be up front about what you want, than risk hurting your partner even more later?--but I'm not sure I could blame someone else for considering it in an extreme situation.

 

I agree with caracal. It's unique to every relationship. The one thing I would boot away with a rusty iron spiked boot is the cheating "option". That's just not on. Not only is it a scummy thing to do from a trust and love standpoint it also violates your partner's consent. They consented to be in a sexually and (presumably) emotionally monogamous relationship and deviating outside of that is violating their consent just as much as putting your penis in her vagina when she said she was only ok with oral and anal.

The only other advice I can offer is that you would need to sit down and brutally honestly evaluate your priorities and do it often. If you realize that being able to have sex is something that's important to you and you or your partner aren't ok with getting it outside of the relationship somehow then you need to think about leaving. Sex can be very important to a relationship and if it's one of the main supporting tenants of the relationship (which is completely fine) then it's loss might entirely destabilize the relationship and leave both partners feeing resentful and unhappy, one because they can't have sex, the other because they resent the other partner being resentful.

 

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have even said "extreme". It's one of those things that I would say "100% never", except that by extraordinary odds, I happen to know someone in a very difficult situation involving long-term hospital care and mental illness who decided an extramarital relationship was the only way he could both care for his wife and keep his sanity. I don't know the details, but it was enough for me to think, "Yow...I'm not sure that makes you a bad person."

Agreed. Speaking relationships in general, not about the specific situation at hand: Too often, relationships are portrayed as some kind of ugly trade-off, that it's your responsibility to give up something you want to make someone else happy, and if you don't you're a horrible human being; it shouldn't work that way. Good partners are sensitive to each other's needs, get enjoyment out of making each other happy, and if you're sacrificing so much that you're miserable, it's time to reevaluate. Further, what may be a big sacrifice for one couple might feel perfectly natural to another.

EDIT: If anyone still thinks that cheating is unacceptable even in that scenario, please don't stay quiet on my account. I barely know the guy, so I'm not going to get mad. I was just trying better explain what I meant.

 

So far, all the advice has been excellent. And when it comes to my main partner, absolutely good.

Let's go for scenario #2: You really, really want sex. Your relationship was built on it. It's been a mainstay of the way your and your lover relate for the eight years you've been together. She's as hot as you are. She really, really wants sex too. She just sent an email to you telling you she took to the shower massager (on a hose, naturally) and had ten orgasms while you were at the office.

But, you and she aren't allowed to have intercourse. Oral is fine and good, but your physician has taken fucking off the table. You and she both admit that you're damn good at oral, but she just doesn't have the stamina to get you off. She's developed endothelial progenitor dysfunction, a consequence of diabetes. Her wounds no longer heal the way most people's do, and a simple scratch, or the abrasive effect of vigorous intercourse, could lead to sepsis and death.

Now what do you do?

 

Buy her a strap-on?

Is her condition something that can be cured/treated, or will go away eventually?