When/why is transgender a deal-breaker?

Be civil. Be civil. BE CIVIL. Really.

I know this is a touchy subject, but it's certainly an issue. A lot of people say they would not date / sleep with a trans person, at least in theory. Let's talk about why.

This is NOT the place to:

• Express your hatred for a particular type of genitalia. ("I just can't handle vagina" is ok. "VAGINAS ARE THE WORST BODY PART EVER" is not.)
• Express your hatred for trans people.
• Express your hatred for people who are uncomfortable with dating trans people.
• Express your hatred. Period. Please don't.
• Guilt trip people. It might be tempting, but please don't.

This IS the place to:

• Speak frankly and honestly while still maintaining general respect for other human beings.
• Examine one's personal perceptions and those of others.
• Respect people's opinions, though you may disagree.
• Ask questions, within reason.
• Answer questions!

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My personal opinion? I'm generally hesitant to date other trans folk for a few reasons (though none of them stopped me from doing it anyway, oops! But that's a different story, and if that person is reading this IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. SOME OF THIS STUFF MAY APPLY TO YOU BUT IT IS NOT A REACTION TO YOU, IT'S STUFF I WAS THINKING ABOUT TO BEGIN WITH.). It won't/doesn't stop me, but it does make me think pretty hard first.

Emotional baggage is the number one reason, along with the sorts of life issues that come along with it. Being trans is tough in the society we live in, which is one that brands us as outcasts, fair game for harassment and worse. I've managed to make it this far without getting really screwed over, but a lot of people are not so lucky. I find it difficult to relate to a lot of other trans people for that reason.

That said, I do tend to have issues in common with other trans folk, but that's not necessarily a good thing. Dysphoria, for one. The idea of navigating my own AS WELL AS someone else's sounds very taxing, especially with regards to sex. Everyone has it to differing degrees and in different ways, too, though not every trans person experiences dysphoria.

Transition envy. I fear pining over the fact that a partner has has had top surgery while I haven't, and conversely I don't want to make someone who is pre-everything upset because I'm on hormones and they aren't. I'm excited about my transition, but I don't wanna rub it in for someone who isn't able to transition.
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Okay, your turn! Remember, "because vagina/penis" is a totally valid response, but don't overdo it. K?

 

To be honest, I think it's just too far from my comfort zone, which is already small to begin with. I agree with the emotional baggage thing, and I just honestly cannot relate with someone who is trans. Bertie is probably my best friend in the world and still I sometimes find myself completely clueless about things he's going through. I don't think I could handle a relationship with such a fundamental lack of understanding.

Also, I don't plan on coming out as bi to my family unless my hand is forced, and dating a trans person would raise all sorts of questions. I no doubt have relatives that would make any trans person I would date the butt of all their jokes.

On a personal level though, even if I did understand what was going on, and all my relatives were cool with it, I still wouldn't do it. I guess that can be chalked up to my sense of wanting to have an "old-fashioned" relationship where I get married to a woman and end up having a kid/kids. I honestly can't see myself attached to someone who is trans, or even a male, and I think dating someone who is trans would just feel like a lie, both to them and myself.

 

In a lot of ways it's different from what we're taught to be the "norm". Society tells us that if you have a dick, you're male and if you have boobs and a vagina, you're female. If your brain thinks something different then there's something wrong with you and should probably be admitted.

On a personal level, I don't have any problem with trans folk, and have several friends who are trans in various stages of transition. I have been intimate with a couple of them and apart from the initial mindfuck (which I rather enjoyed) things were fine. Being pansexual helps a bit too. Hardware doesn't matter to me since I enjoy it all, especially in new and unique combinations!

I'd definitely say I'm always hypersensitive to certain topics/actions around them. Since you mentioned dysphoria that's probably the biggest thing that people are ignorant about. It's very rare that people have that "lightswitch" transition where at first they're one way, and then a week or so later they're another. It's a long, arduous process that I don't think I would be able to commit to. I have enormous amounts of respect for those with the balls (or lack thereof) to undergo that journey.

The only time I would see it being a deal-breaker would be entering into a more serious/long-term relationship. Ideally it would be with someone who started their transition early, and has been at it for several years. Like snarf said, it's an emotional rollercoaster and while I would help in any way I can to get them through it, I have enough baggage of my own that I feel like it would detract from anything meaningful. I've been a bit of a punching bag in the past so that's more to do with my own demons than anything else.

 

Being bi, attracted to trans people, and open to pretty much anything, trans folk are all fair game for me ^^ I like boys and girls, even boys with vaginas and girls with penises. I really like vaginas and penises in general. I'm sexually adaptive and romantically fluid. I'd call myself pansexual if I better understood all the remifications of that. My experience is limited to binary stuff, I can't really say where my limits are because I haven't explored them. But trans people are certainly within them. All varieites of trans folk ^^ At whatever stage they're at ^^

 

MTF here.

As Kyvinaria said, the biggest issue I'd have with being with another trans person is that I know how emotionally crippling and depressive the whole condition can be. I would be completely willing to be as supportive as possible when those times came around, but having two of us together with the same emotional complications at the same time probably wouldn't work very well.

I'm talking completely in theory of course as I don't know what it would be like in reality, but unless we had a really special bond, I can't see it working out well for either of us. In such cases, I think being friends would be much more mutually beneficial.

However, in rare cases as may occur between myself and another thoroughly understanding trans person, I can see such mutual empathy and experience having the potential to create a relationship stronger than average. After all, both parties would have a much greater understanding of each others emotions and thoughts because they both have them themselves.

I think those kinds of situations are the only times transsexuality would be a factor in considering any kind of relationship for myself. The mixes between genitals, gender and bodily characteristics really don't bother me in the slightest. If anything, I think it's kind of special.

 

Sexually male/female doesn't really matter to me that much and for trans people I feel I could go for MtF but I'm not so sure about FtM. That's mostly is just because traps and futa are a massive turn on for me. The idea of a guy with a vag is just little bit too weird for me. Although I'm sure there's more than one exception to this. Even then I only feel I would be comfortable with someone that was say 80-90% through the transformation or done with it.

As far as a relationship I haven't been in one with any gendered person so emotionally I'm not really sure how to support anyone in a romantic situation. I'm sure I would be able to console a person regardless of what they're going through. Although my frankness and honesty usually lead to me thinking terrible things that would just make a person going through something bad feel worse, I am able to keep myself from saying these things luckily. Also me being a bit of an emotionless robot most of the time probably wouldn't help.

It's also worth noting I've never met a trans person so I don't fully understand what's going through their minds. A "normal" person I feel could be easier to read and understand mainly because their hormones would be relatively stable and they would fall into basic stereotypes more easily.

 

Just so you know: "trap" is a slur, and "futa" is also inappropriate for referring to real people (though I know those terms have specific meanings in porn). Not sure whether you're aware of that, since these terms get thrown around in porn so much, a lot of people think they are actually correct terms for everyday use.
On THREE different occasions I've been called a "real live cuntboy" by well-meaning furries who honestly didn't know any better.

For future reference, the proper term for "not transgender" is "cisgender", or "cis" for short.

Trans people who have been on hormones for a long period of time tend to have relatively stable levels, and many of us do fall into stereotypes for our genders, though obviously not all! Early in hormonal transition can be difficult emotionally speaking, since we're basically going through a second puberty and coming to terms with what that brings socially and physically.

There isn't anything that makes us fundamentally more difficult to read. We do tend to have some problems that are unique to being trans, but we also have the same sorts of problems cis people have. When it comes down to it, we're just people.

 

Bottom line: I don't understand it?

I know that probably sounds really ignorant but it's true. I can't wrap my head around it, no matter how hard I try (and believe me, I have tried).
It's also just...not a turn on for me. In fact, it's the opposite. If my boyfriend told me that he would like to go by female pronouns, and that he wanted to get any kind of genital surgery or hormones...I'd probably break up with him, as much as it would kill me.

I just...don't understand the need and obsession for gender roles to the point of body modification that in most cases, results in genitalia not working properly. And that's a huge deal breaker for someone like me who's very much obsessed with sex, and who is very much attracted to a person's natural body/beauty. And this rule applies to non trans people as well. You get any kind of plastic surgery, excessive tattoos and/or piercings, or even dye your hair constantly, I will not be attracted to you. Post op trans folk are just a more severe form of that, IMO.

Now, thats not to say that I HATE trans people and everyting they stand for. Actually 2 of my very good friends are trans and taking hormones therapy, and my heart goes out to the one when she tells me what it's like to try and date someone and 'break the news' as she puts it. (She's pre op). But that still doesn't change my personal opinions and feelings.

 

@Vitani
I feel like being trans is something that can't be fully understood by anyone who isn't. The best we can do is sympathize.

 

I'm inclined to say that neither do we. It's more of an instinctual thing. And it's not necessarily about gender roles, it's more gender expression. That's huge factor in confidence for me, in that I feel guilty and "invalid" because a majority of things I like are primarily seen as "male" interests, where they actually don't really have anything to do with my identity. As Kyvinaria said, the trans community is terrible for policing others about what they are or aren't allowed to like. I've even seen transwomen who say that if a trans person feels at all comfortable with their genitals and wants to use them that they aren't really trans, and that's just hurtful. It would be akin to saying "you can't be a lesbian, you have long hair".

I would think that the wish to sacrifice the functionality of a big part of our bodies just to have a chance or some semblance of comfortable expression would show people just how strong these feelings are. It's unusual for any of us not to suffer from mild to chronic depression because of our condition, and early suicide is absurdly rife amongst our particular minority. I would bring up the studies that show that, in a majority of tested cases, the neurological and physiological build of trans people's brains more closely matches those of the sex they believe they should be, but people tend to rubbish it as soon as it's mentioned.

I can't speak for all of us personally, but I actually prefer being referred to as "it" rather than addressed as male. I think that should show how much I despise being seen as male. Call me any insult under the sun, absolutely anything, but "you're a man" and other such phrases hurt and piss me off more than any of them. Imagine being given a derogatory nickname that stuck to you, and no matter how many times you tell people not to call you by it, they still do and often purely out of spite. I'd say that's somewhat how it feels.

So I guess what you are saying is that you're all about naturalness, and trans people are complete polar opposites of that?

It's hard for those of us who are really into sex too, because generally, the only people who want any sexual contact with us are fetishistic creeps, no matter how little we change or "natural" we look. Hell, I went through earlier life thinking that I wanted to avoid having any surgery through my life, then I find out about this shit and turns out that surgeries are probably the only way I'll ever be happy. I don't like it, but it's more a matter of mental health and stability than anything else at this point. At the end of the day, if we could chose not to be trans, there wouldn't be any trans people, simple as.

 

Thought I would offer my two cents here. I'm CIS Male, so I'll just say right away that I don't even pretend to understand the trans mindset. Now, for me dating and/or sleeping with a trans person(because I do feel that sex is an important part of this as well) for me would depend on just how far their transition had come.

Now, I generally think of myself as hetero-flexible, so it's not like I've never thought about having sex with a male. But, 99.99% of the time I'm attracted to those with female bodies. So, while I wouldn't likely date a crossdresser or a MtF who was still in very early stages(as in not yet having had any kind of surgery or hormone changes), my thinking is, that if you look like a woman, you act like a woman, and think of yourself as a woman, then what's between your legs doesn't much matter to me. I'll treat you as a woman.

That being said, if anything would keep me from dating a trans person(other than that I'm already very in love with a CIS female), it would be that I--like Murphy said--tend to imagine having a wife and kids that are genetically related to me. I'm not saying I would be against adoption or anything, as even in a relationship between Hetero CIS partners biological children aren't always possible. All I'm really saying I guess is that I would rather be with someone who I actually could possibly have children with.

Also, sorry to say, but I'm not even usually attracted to CIS guys, so FtM is off the table for me. If find the idea of it...well frankly a bit odd and off putting. Not to put down any FtM's out there, I just see it as a rather significant turnoff.


So all in all, I would be willing to be with a trans woman, but I would prefer a CIS woman.

 

You hold a few good points in your post.
I agree with a few people here in that...quite simply, I'll never understand people who are trans because I don't have to deal with the same struggles you and other trans people do.
However, as much of a struggle as it is for you, as much as you don't /want/ to be trans, I can sympathize with you, but it doesn't change the fact that it just doesn't feel natural to me, and therefore...just not something I look for, or am attracted to in a partner.
And based on the feeling I get from you post...that's the biggest obstacle for you to be forced to carry and deal with, and I can't imagine anything like that.

 

I'm an idealistic person that values feels over reality (despite my efforts to become a cynic to survive this world) so I feel identity is very important. I want to date male-spectrum identifying gendered people regardless of their sex. Just looking at the biology wow different parts, it's what the biology whatever it happens to be does to the brain and view of oneself and I think that triumphs all.

 

Well that's just another reason for me to not date transgendered people, I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about

I never meant to offend anyone I'm just using my small knowledge where I can. And It's not like I would call someone a trap/futa/dickchick/cuntboy/whatever without them telling me their comfortable with it first.

And I do agree with what Misskin said it's hard to fully understand such a complex transformation.

 

I would likely date another transsexual... mostly a MTF. I have nothing against FTM's, just generally not attracted to them. Generally. There are a few that I will look at twice, but I don't really see myself dating one.
But when it comes to relationships... I won't be in one with a MTF. Or a male. Or a female. Right... nobody. I'm just not relationship material. I'd rather have all the benefits with none of the drawbacks. I sure as hell won't live with anyone. Being in close proximity to the other half always screws things up.
If I had to have a non-cohabitated relationship, it would be with a MTF or a female. But there are lot of MtF's that have emotional or psychological issues. I understand that, but I don't have the ability to deal or enough patience to face that everyday. I'm not a crutch.
I guess I am kind of cold, but part of my deal is that I have little to no empathy. It's not a willful disregard to peoples feelings, not something I can control. I don't feel things the same way most people do.
I've had long terms with male, female and MtF.

 

I don't mind dating anyone because I think its about love. However.... I don't like penis, so its rare I will be with someone who has one! Bonus hole boys are awesome though. ♡

 

LOL bonus hole boys. XD
I'm lucky enough to be on good terms with my vagina, and it's pretty useful. I love to lord it over my non-vagined buddies who like being penetrated, lol...

 

For me, I am severely attracted to trans individuals in both directions; I always have been. For that reason, I called myself pansexual for years. However recently I've swayed more towards calling myself hetero-flexible, because otherwise I feel like I'm being deceitful. So many people think that if you're sexually attracted to a demographic, you're willing to date them and that's not true for me.
Generally I'm sexually/romantically attracted to masculine people, Trans-men included. I am much more romantically attracted to trans-men than trans-women (interestingly with drag-queens falling somewhere in the middle). I'm usually only sexually attracted to feminine people, not romantically.
The other issue is my desire to have biological children with my life partner. Coupled with my romantic attraction to those who are masculine, it kind of sections the market off to only masculine cis-males.
I started to feel guilty calling myself pansexual for that reason. Even though it was literally accurate, I am attracted to more than binary sex and gender, it felt like I was bandwagoning onto something... or something like that.

 

That's why I list myself as pansexual, but polyromantic. I'm sexually attracted to everyone, but not necessarily romantically attracted to everyone.

 

I'm considering dating someone trans/genderfluid but a few problems I have noticed:

• I seem to get a lot of jealousy. I'm just playing the cards I was dealt...wtf...

• I feel like I'm in a minefield at times, being socially shit makes this harder, and upsetting someone makes me upset and 10000x as much when I already sympathize with what they are going through.

• Gatekeeping bullshit, again, I guess out of spite/jealousy/insecurity (eg: "OMG this person could be better than I if I help them, so I won't" or "you will never pass, give up" or "you can't possibly be trans, you have male orientated hobbies" or "to be trutrans you need to suffer as much as I otherwise it doesn't count", all bullshit I've read or heard).

• Typical normies being judgemental trash, like fuck off already and mind your own business.

Now, I'm new to all this. I'm exploring, learning, doing research on both people and myself and I want to learn, to understand, to help. I'm going to make mistakes, I will apologize and try to accommodate but that's hard when you get shut down and ignored. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that and become more understanding when I don't understand what had happened and learn what I can do to avoid making a mistake again?

To be frank that awesome girl I met ended up ghosting me and I'm pretty upset about it. Maybe it's karma, I'm guilty of doing it a LOT, I'm just antisocial and find it hard to make new connections and feel like I'm the one always trying so I give up. I don't know why she did but can only speculate that I had mentioned dressing up and taking more pictures to which I got a pretty snarky comment. Excuse me, I'm still just trying to find WHO I AM and it quiets something down inside of me, I don't know why, how can I explain feeling right when I dress up...? Not to mention, I have reasons for doing it and it just occurred to me that CIS WOMEN IN GENERAL ALREADY DO THAT SHIT. Ironic.

I'd consider it dating someone trans (or any sort of connection) but...it's tough when faced with this kind of stuff. What I don't understand is why trans people don't stick together. Why gatekeep? Why be silly? Why not try to understand the jealousy and figure something out to help yourself? My $0.02...