[10/17/2014 3:21:22 PM] carmen..sandiego: Ok
[10/17/2014 3:21:47 PM] Chris Hawkins: I've gone from uneasy to incredibly pissed, so yeah no.
[10/17/2014 6:16:29 PM] Chris Hawkins: k, so
[10/17/2014 6:16:42 PM] Chris Hawkins: I am incredibly fucking sick and tired of sitting down here and accomplishing nothing. [10/17/2014 6:17:06 PM] carmen..sandiego: So what does that mean
[10/17/2014 6:17:35 PM] Chris Hawkins: That means chances are I'm driving up there tonight.
[10/17/2014 6:18:01 PM] carmen..sandiego: Why?
[10/17/2014 6:18:19 PM] Chris Hawkins: "I am incredibly fucking sick and tired of sitting down here and accomplishing nothing." [10/17/2014 6:18:50 PM] carmen..sandiego: If this is about me I'm begging you not to
[10/17/2014 6:19:04 PM] Chris Hawkins: What the fuck else would it be about Lizzy?
[10/17/2014 6:20:26 PM] carmen..sandiego: I'm sorry but it would really only make things harder for me right now
[10/17/2014 6:21:13 PM] Chris Hawkins: I don't know what else to do.
[10/17/2014 6:21:29 PM] carmen..sandiego: Nothing can be done
[10/17/2014 6:21:35 PM] Chris Hawkins: Literally nothing I'm saying to you is getting through.
[10/17/2014 6:22:04 PM] carmen..sandiego: That's what everyone always thinks
[10/17/2014 6:22:11 PM] carmen..sandiego: Everyone happens to be wrong
[10/17/2014 6:22:33 PM] Chris Hawkins: Okay, so do you agree with me that right now what you need to be focusing on is improving your mental health?
[10/17/2014 6:23:17 PM] carmen..sandiego: Yes
[10/17/2014 6:24:05 PM] Chris Hawkins: And what about the best way of going about that being to remove yourself from this situation of Will, who's fully aware of where the fuck your head is currently at, lashing out at you at the very least until you get back on your feet?
[10/17/2014 6:24:25 PM] carmen..sandiego: No
[10/17/2014 6:24:35 PM] Chris Hawkins: And that's why nothing I'm saying is getting through.
[10/17/2014 6:26:53 PM] Chris Hawkins: I don't give a fuck how badly you hurt him, you're not deserving of this, not under these fucking circumstances, period. You can disagree all you want but I know for a fucking fact that everyone else would agree with me, including Will if I were to confront him, which honestly at this point I don't fucking see why I shouldn't.
[10/17/2014 6:30:54 PM] carmen..sandiego: Because you care about me and doing so will just make everything worse for me [10/17/2014 6:31:47 PM] Chris Hawkins: I sit here and try to reason what is essentially a brick wall: things get worse. I go up there: things get worse. Confront Will: things get worse. I have to fucking do one of those three, so something needs to change. [10/17/2014 6:32:09 PM] carmen..sandiego: No you don't
[10/17/2014 6:32:16 PM] Chris Hawkins: Yes, I do.
[10/17/2014 6:32:45 PM] Chris Hawkins: Because I care about you, because I love you, because I'm not going to just fucking watch you destroy yourself over this shit.
[10/17/2014 6:33:00 PM] carmen..sandiego: There's nothing else you can do
[10/17/2014 6:33:13 PM] Chris Hawkins: That's complete and utter bullshit Lizzy and you know it.
[10/17/2014 6:33:21 PM] carmen..sandiego: Please don't
[10/17/2014 6:33:56 PM] Chris Hawkins: No, I'm doing something and if you aren't going to pick which one then I will, and trust me, if it means this shit ends then I can deal with you hating me.
[10/17/2014 6:34:18 PM] carmen..sandiego: Please fucking don't okay
[10/17/2014 6:34:25 PM] carmen..sandiego: This is just between him and me
[10/17/2014 6:35:00 PM] Chris Hawkins: No, it's not. It stopped being between you and him when he was vetting information you had told him through me.
[10/17/2014 6:35:21 PM] carmen..sandiego: What do you mean?
[10/17/2014 6:35:51 PM] Chris Hawkins: And you quite clearly can't fucking help yourself right now, and like I said, I'm not just going to sit here and watch.
[10/17/2014 6:36:14 PM] carmen..sandiego: I can help myself. I'm trying to
[10/17/2014 6:36:31 PM] carmen..sandiego: This isn't your concern. I can handle this
[10/17/2014 6:36:44 PM] Chris Hawkins: By subjecting yourself to his lashing because of your self-hatred while being suicidal, yeah, that's absolutely a fucking brilliant plan there.
[10/17/2014 6:37:57 PM] carmen..sandiego: I'm not subjecting myself to anything. I love him and I want to work through thia with him
[10/17/2014 6:40:16 PM] Chris Hawkins: Please don't feed me lines of crap like that. You know that this is exactly what you're fucking doing, you're letting your guilt of cheating on him subject yourself to his anger because of your very warped view of yourself as a terrible person who's deserving of it, which, yeah, if you weren't fucking suicidal I'd tell you to suck it up, but guess what, you are suicidal and you're beaten the shit out of yourself already over this and if he gave even the smallest of fucks about your wellbeing he would know that this is not acceptable on his part, period.
[10/17/2014 6:41:12 PM] Chris Hawkins: He wouldn't be fucking messaging me at 2 AM concerned because he thought you ran off to go slice your wrists and then turn around and put you through this shit.
[10/17/2014 6:41:14 PM] carmen..sandiego: He has every right to
[10/17/2014 6:41:42 PM] Chris Hawkins: His rights don't fucking matter. He doesn't fucking matter. What matters is you, and your wellbeing, and keeping you from falling off the edge.
[10/17/2014 6:41:56 PM] Chris Hawkins: Why can you not fucking get that?
[10/17/2014 6:42:13 PM] carmen..sandiego: Because he does matter!
[10/17/2014 6:42:30 PM] Chris Hawkins: He shouldn't, not at the moment no.
[10/17/2014 6:42:46 PM] carmen..sandiego: He does. He always will.
[10/17/2014 6:43:11 PM] Chris Hawkins: If I were to make you pick right now, me or him, who would you pick?
[10/17/2014 6:44:08 PM] carmen..sandiego: I would tell you that if you think I don't deserve this off him you shohld think I don't deserve to be given an ultimatum by one of my best friends
[10/17/2014 6:44:37 PM] Chris Hawkins: I'm not giving you an ultimatum, I'm trying to prove a point.
[10/17/2014 6:44:50 PM] carmen..sandiego: What point is that?
[10/17/2014 6:45:10 PM] Chris Hawkins: If you pick him, then wow, you have really fucking lost yourself to be putting him on that high of a fucking pedestal, and if you picked me, then yeah no, he doesn't fucking matter.
[10/17/2014 6:45:34 PM] carmen..sandiego: I'm not picking anything
[10/17/2014 6:45:46 PM] Chris Hawkins: I know you're not.
[10/17/2014 6:46:12 PM] Chris Hawkins: I have half a mind to call Emma and scream at her for not taking you to that psychiatrist today.
[10/17/2014 6:46:17 PM] Chris Hawkins: Somebody needs to fucking suffer.
[10/17/2014 6:46:31 PM] carmen..sandiego: It isn't her fault
[10/17/2014 6:46:39 PM] carmen..sandiego: She's coming over soon
[10/17/2014 6:47:19 PM] Chris Hawkins: I'm just, I'm so fucking lost and feel like anything and everything I'm doing isn't making the slightest difference.
[10/17/2014 6:55:56 PM] carmen..sandiego: I don't know what to tell you, old sport
[10/17/2014 6:57:11 PM] Chris Hawkins: You haven't even fucking met him yet, and who knows if you actually fucking will. You have no clue whatsoever if you'd be compatible in person, at all, and all he's shown you online is that he's more then willing to make you feel like shit if he feels justified, and you make the mistake of justifying that. So to me it looks like you're holding onto the hope of salvaging something that has quite clearly burnt down.
[10/17/2014 7:02:32 PM] Chris Hawkins: I swear to god Lizzy, if you fucking do anything I will never forgive you for putting me through this shit, ever. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to fucking feel steel cutting into my flesh or my blood trickling into my palm and dripping off my fingers, yet not once have I ever because of you, because I know that if I did and you found out you would lose your shit and I would never, ever want to fucking subject you to that.
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