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Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Dr. Tran, Aug 14, 2014.
I'm not blaming you all I'm just frustrated on the lack of success.
I know that feeling too well that's what a lot of my frustrations have been about relationship-wise in our group chat. As always my inbox is open if you ever want to talk
This has helped me for some reason, my inbox is open though i will probably not be here that regulary.
So went to a funeral today. Great uncle no real importance to me but was to my father I went in his stead.
Making my rounds. I found my grandpa doesn't recognize me anymore. He has full dementia now.
Once good man is a husk of who he was to morn the Lost of his brother.
I know the feeling.. my grandad forgot me. And me being scared of meeting him because of it, ended up with not doing any visits in the hospital when he got worse.
Now my other granddad is getting bad with memory aswell... its pretty sore.
I have schizoaffective depression. I hallucinate. Mostly hear things. I'm paranoid and lonely. I have delusional behaviors. I have involuntary suicidal ideation.
My life has become routine since I started working and getting medicated. The depression comes back when I remember this. I'm not doing the job I trained for. I'm working a job that takes too much social battery to handle, but pressing on with false optimism.
I have no friends outside of work. No one to hang or have fun with. Every time I think of making friends, my mind conjures up how they'll mistreat me. I fail before I try.
I don't want to die, but I don't like how I'm living. I am living a lie and putting on the best damn show of it.
Here is my depression.
I wake up feeling like I'll never fund my place in the world and all I'm doing is spinning my wheels waiting for the sweet release of death.
I know it's unreasonable but I feel ignored, forgotten, cast aside. It will be better once I'm back up and running again. Right now I just feel like no matter what I do it will not be good enough.
Another thing is I feel letting this out will hurt my store, because who wants to buy from the depressed guy. And that just adds to the isolation.
Worse of all this was triggered by my printer fucking up
I honestly don’t know where to post this so I have to post it here because it’s pretty close to this. Yesterday I just lost my cat and everything in a house fire. I’m completely devastated and I’m thankful me and my family got out but I couldn’t find my cat and we thought he got out. I don’t know what to do.
We're all here for you <3
So I was looking for somewhere to post, somewhere to rant and while flicking through the forums on here I spotted this and I just want to say thank you for creating this thread. I wanted to post somewhere, where no one really knows me so I don't have to deal with fake sympathies of people who "know" me care for 5 minutes then disappear. - It does not matter if no one response to my post I just need a place to put my feelings and be able to just rant, even if to no one in particular.
Finally starting to admit to myself I am a silent sufferer of Depression, I have always been "The strong one" or "The bigger man" all my life and I am just getting sick and tired of always having to be that or always having to fight two or three times as hard as everyone else for things, I don't expect things to just get given to me like what seems to happen to everyone around me, I am quite happy to put the work in for things but always seems like its one rule for me and one rule for everyone else. I want to say it's just been for about a year I've felt like this and for the most part yes, it's the worst I've ever felt in a long long time but it's always kind of been there in the background being ignored since I don't know, maybe since I was 14? (context I am late 20's now) I have no idea what happened to make me start feeling this way and no idea how to get myself out of this but lately it's just getting worse and worse. I set myself goals in life - none of which I've achieved because after that age of 14 or so I just lost my drive for most things in life, even some of the things I enjoy. And lately it's just compiling on it self, as for the last year my life has just been shit. I didn't get a promotion I really wanted at work and I mean I REALLY went for this with everything I had, even got told on paper my application was the best, but no work politics decided it, then I lost my partner of 7 years - we've agreed since it should not of lasted more than 3 or 4 years but hindsight you know? and had many failed attempts at a relationship since, one very recently where we both said we fancied each other and saw each other almost every day (I had to make roughly a 50 minute drive for this too and that and the cost of fuel did not bother me in the slightest, I was happy) she decided that now was not the right time for her and just needed a friend. Which fair enough but we barely talk now and it was kind of a "Last chance" thing for me at the moment, I know the best relationships form when you aren't looking too hard but I felt something for this girl I had not felt for over 8 years. (Context I never got over my ex before the 7 year relationship which I have now had some closure on and effectively went through that and the break up with 7year ex at once so that sucked) I am not just looking for "anyone" even if it may seem like I am desperate, I just want to find someone local(ish) I get on with, find attractive and feels the same way about me. Again for context this all started back in.... August? Last year? (The job and ex thing), it's been so long I don't really care to remember exact dates lets just say too long. Lately I've also felt very held back at work and almost feel purposely passed by for promotions. When I get free time or when friends want to hang out making plans is fine but come the day I usually do not want to go, even tho I know I will enjoy my self and it'll cheer me up. I never used to feel like this, I'd usually be excited for plans (even after the age of 14) and wanting to go do things (even more so with the most recently girl I spoke about all I wanted to do was hang out with her or go out and do things or just do things in general not even with her just knowing the relationship we had between us made me happy and have some drive in my life for once)
I have always been against Suicide and that there is always a better option even just talking about things with someone, yet recently the thought had crossed my mind (not currently it's gone away... for now). Just no matter what I do I always seem to be in the wrong and just nothing seems to want to work out for me at the moment: Work, Love life, hell even my Car I Just spent upwards of £700 fixing it (First time it's needed anything major doing to it so figured may as well do it all at once I could of declined a lot of it but I had the money) and I am still not happy with it, something still feels off about it.
I think it's to the point where my friends, real friends who I've known since School and still see today, can probably tell I am suffering from depression (One or two I've spoke to about it) and are trying to get me out the house to cheer me up which I do appreciate but I'm not huge one for going out, at least not drinking which is what they seem to like to do. I'm more of a go to the movies, arcade or just stay in and play games kinda guy.
I'm getting on towards 30 and my life is just no where near where I thought it would be when I was younger, I had plans and none of them I have achieved even stupid stuff that doesn't really matter just "Oh by the time I'm X year's old I would of liked to of done X" - some of these things don't involve money at all and are perfectly attainable (I think) if I really put my mind to it but I Just don't have the effort or drive any more. I know saying "No one cares" is dumb, as I know people care, my family cares, my real friends care, but I really don't FEEL like anyone cares. I used to talk daily to lots of people now I barely talk to anyone at all, I guess I had a lot more free time when younger but people used to check in daily with me just to chat about anything, now it seems like I do all the work, very rarely do I open up any kind of messenger and see a message or if I do its something to a group chat. I always try reach out to people I can see are suffering and offer help even those I do not know, more so for those I do.
Just lonely and fed up and slowly coming to terms with things and how useless I am as a person and how much of a disappointment I must be to people. I try my best, stick in at work, do my best to work by the book, try to make people happy but it's just never good enough. I know it's stupid and just people being dicks/letting off steam but I always get negative comments from work colleagues saying I'm useless or stupid or whatever and I usually fairly thick skinned but it's starting to take it's toll, as it's daily, constant, and while they do also take the piss out of each other its never to the level they do with me. I have asked them to stop and spoke to management a few times and while they do ask them to stop, which they do for a few days, it just picks right back up again. It's to the point I know they have their own chat channel where they talk shit about me and almost everyone is in it except for me, even those at one point I trusted or considered friends - I'd of hoped one of them would of said "No thanks, I don't want to be a part of this" or reported it to management. A lot of this doesn't usually bother me because I was happy or "happy" like with the most recently girl, none of this shit bothered me, but it really does take its toll when I'm feeling down like this.
I guess my problem is I rely upon one person too much for my happiness. I don't know how to be alone, I struggle. I do not know who I am so to speak, while I would never try to change someone I always try to fit "expectations", these are of course entirely subjective and made up in my mind but. *Sigh* I don't even know. I spent a good minute earlier today just stood on my landing head against the wall trying not to think about anything - if that isn't a sign of depression I do not know what is. I know I should seek help, be it professional, medical, or otherwise but I hate to be a burden to people and really want to try and figure out what the fuck made me like this and how to get over it myself. (Yet my advice to others is not to sit and dwell on things, talk to people it helps, can give a fresh perspective on things as I know sometimes all the negative stuff is just in your head. Or to go and seek help professionally/medically if it's effecting them on that level but I am super great at ignoring my own advice). I live for others, I do not know how to live for myself anymore and I wish I did.
P.S. I am sorry for taking up anyone's time for sitting and reading all of this.
Edit: No more than 2 minutes after posting this and still in tears I am already consoling and helping a friend, go figure.
So I just tried out cutting for the first time. They weren't deep, but it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would ^-^
And the best part, I can use "oh it must have happened at work" as an excuse ^-^
Why did I try it out? Cause I just recently found out something that worsened my depression
Don't worry, I used 91% isoproply to clean the blade and the cuts ^-^
I don't plan on going bigger than half inch to one inch cuts on my hand.
If you want info, don't be afraid to ask. I'll be an open book on here since I'm anonymous. At least right now I think I'll be.
I kinda like the stinging that's coming from the alcohol. And trying something for the first time kinda peps me up a bit ^-^
I tried punching the ground for a bit first, but that was too much and not enough at the same time. I very much prefer a lasting background pain than a strong sharp pain.
Currently, I am 49..I've spent over 3/4 of my life just hoping that one night, I just won't wake up.. I know most of my friends are aware of this, and while they've tried to help, in the end , it comes down to me.. if I am very lucky, I won't be around to "celebrate" my 50th..
I try to find meaning, or at least something I can enjoy, but it is getting more and more difficult.. I, quite frankly (and won't apologize for stating this), just don't see a point.. with my death, at least my body might give someone else a new lease on life..if I can find the courage to take that final step
I've been having days where I wake up with that all-too-familiar mental fog, and I hate it. The first couple of times it passed as soon as I was able to focus on something (work,) but yesterday was an all day affair filled with non-sensical insecurities and paranoia. Me and the soon-to-be-wife (Oct 31st, yay!) finally moved into an apartment going on a couple months ago, and what was suppose to be a happy transition has been filled with some peaks, but mostly sharp valley's. I have doubts that our arrangement isn't working, as my working full time and doing a full course load at school leaves her with taking care of our son and the apartment, the first of which is difficult as we're going through his terrible 2s, which then makes the latter damn near impossible. So what results is her becoming this ball of stress, which is then projected onto everything.and everyone. And I get it, and I've asked her if she wants to change it up so that she's working and I'm at home, or if she wants us to split working.and house responsibilities, and I've tried to be nothing but helpful and supportive of her, but I can't help but feel like I'm at my limit sometimes, you know? And then to add on top of that, we recently agreed that we both want to explore or sexualities with each other, by exploring fetishes and potentially/probably inviting another person into our bedroom, which has made my sex drive jump sky high (like, she bends over to get something out of the fridge and all I can think about is digging my face into her ass type horny,) but it's had guilt come along with it. Her sex drive isn't as high right now, if anything it's very low due to all of the things she's trying to focus on, and while my hornyness isn't stemming from having a mindset of her being a sex object, but rather from just really, really wanting that deeper connection we have when we're making love and to give her not just pleasure, but a distraction or possibly even relief from the things plaguing her mind right now, I feel like that isn't coming across whatsoever and it makes me feel absolutely horrible. I just, I don't know, I want this mental fog to go and stay away.
Right now I'm focusing on overcoming my depression through spite. I'm making long-term plans, I'm making promises, I'm putting down roots. My suicidal ideation still gets to me, I make a mistake and my first thought is still "okay time to quit my job and kill myself" but eventually I can get a hold of myself and tell that voice in my head "no, fuck you in the ear, I'm staying alive." I'm finishing grad school to spite my depression, I'm staying alive to spite my depression.
Oh look it's that time again... Gotta love when something you've been trying for, for years. and with an ex partner they just get so easy and while they complained about it with you they are happy to do it now. Just what? Life come on is this a joke? I was doing so well to get myself back in to life and now this? :/
I'm going through a period of depression where it feels like, no matter what I say or do, it will be wrong or someone will say it is wrong..
I feel like I should be punished all the time.. that it would be better off if someone made all my decisions for me, since it feels like they would know better what I need or how I should act.
When I make mistakes, genuine or imagined, the world feels like it has dropped out from under me..
Even doing this message, I'll feel like i should have just kept my mouth shut, and let the world pass me by.. or that I don't belong here
I see the message that folks need to feel free to open up.. but , I feel like when I do that, someone will say I am just doing it for attention..so maybe it is better to just wall myself off, and internalize my pain and sadness..and count the days down that will hopefully soon run out for me..
Hey, I have cut myself a couple times before, so maybe I understand a little bit.
If you feel like cutting yourself in the future (or punching the ground) here's a pretty good substitute which leaves no permanent marks: Hold ice cubes in each hand. It kinda satisfies the same urges, but then when it's over, it's over. And leaves no marks, which can complicate things.
I really need to talk to somebody privately because I don't want to vent what's happening on here, but if anybody can help me even a little and wants to make a new friend please message me.
I am going through hell right now and I'm doing it alone. I am not sure how much longer I can keep going and pretend everything is okay...
I've had pretty good results for stress and anxiety issues using concentrated CBD oil. It's legal to mail order this, from anywhere in the USA. A little expensive but worth it. It's not psychoactive (you don't get "high") so you could use it at work, school, etc, and still be able to perform. I've used it before big stressful events like holiday gatherings, traffic court, etc, as well as daily use. The type I use is "6 times concentrated" so you only use a partial dropper full. I order from Bluebird Botanicals in Colorado (the "6X Classic" concentrate, I think it's called).
Lots of love for all my buddies dealing with the depression/anxiety struggle. If anyone ever needs to talk let me know, I don't want you all in this alone