Monogamy in today's culture.

Okay so back when I was single, I used to 'play' around with some of my friends and their S.O.'s. Especially at conventions.
It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed it and don't regret a single minute of it, however now that I am in a very serious relationship (both of us are also very monogamous) that...really isn't an option anymore.

I do not feel bad about this, I do not feel like I'm missing out or anything. My boyfriend knows who I have played around with before and he doesn't mind, but couples play/threesomes make him uncomfortable, and I like to respect that. (Also, I'm not a huge fan of sharing him either We are both slightly possessive...meaning we don't like to share, but we also don't stalk phones, 'check up on' each other, or tell each other what we can and cannot do, or who we can and cannot talk to.) We've always lived by the rule of 'If it would make ME uncomfortable in your position, then I won't do it to you.' And it has worked out pretty well for us.

There are 2 issues I've been feeling with this:

1.) Society. (Weird, right? xD)
IN GENERAL. Most people IRL would think this kind of thing is totally normal and acceptable. The problem is, most of my friends are part of poly relationships, or partake in threesomes casually. (Which, is great that it works for them! But it doesn't work for me, and I feel like it would put a strain on my relationship on BOTH sides.)
My friends sometimes tell me that my boyfriend is controlling me (because I used to be casual about sex, and after getting serious with him, I'm not.) They tell me that he's 'manipulative' and 'dangerous' and that I should get out of this relationship immediately.
Which...really hurts my feelings because they are my friends, and they are supposed to respect me and my choices... after being with my BF for nearly 3 years, sex is no longer a casual affair to me. It's really special, and I like keeping it that way. It was 100% my own choice that I stopped this, and I'm very happy. But these comments really get to me, and make me very upset. I know that in a world where hook up dating is the new culture, monogamy seems unrealistic, based on selfishness, and 'prude'. But I really don't feel any of this when it's me and him.

2.) A lot of my friends, especially my best friends, seem to show no interest in talking to me, or hanging out with me, now that I decided that I'm no longer single, or willing to play around. This upsets me a lot, because I feel like now, a lot of my friends were actually fake, and using me for sex. :c
I feel so broken and alone... and like there's something wrong with me. I literally feel like I have to adapt to this casual sex culture or be forever seen as alone, or lame, or 'not fun', but at the same time, I don't WANT to adapt. I LIKE that intimacy is a sacred thing with me and my BF, but everyone else just mocks it/me. :/

 

Monogamy is starting to look outdated. And I am otherside of the coin. I am the only unmarried person left of my old friends. Now I am kind of shund because I am an extra wheel
I have had causal sex and deep intimate sex. Intimate sex is better but is more elusive. It is rare to find that kind of connection.
If you are both possessive and both like the way things are, you have no need to change. The only people that truely know if a relationship is working is the people in it

 

You're not the only one out there who stayed monogamous! Own it and be proud, don't ever worry that others are diverging from the norm. If friends won't stand by you for doing what makes you happy, they weren't friends anyways and not people to miss.

 

I find that the term poly is used too often by people who generally just like to have casual sex with anyone. They find it easier to explain their actions that way. So if they cheat on their current partner, they'll just use the excuse but I'm poly.

It's just because they aren't happy in having one person to commit to in life. All because now days it's seen as a ball and chain scenario. Why have one person when you can have multiple, right?

WRONG!!

Genuine poly relationships are similar to mono relationships. There's trust and loyalty involved like a mono relationship. There are the main partners (like a mono couple) then there are the other partners. But both partners have to agree on the other partners interests especially if they want to hang around with or sleep with them.

If either partner doesn't agree then it's not allowed to happen. Though If either partner goes behind the others back only the rule then that is when it is classed as cheating. Which could potentially ruin the relationship as it would ruin a mono relationship.

If I ever had interest in starting a relationship with anyone. I'd say it would be a mono one, as I am extremely territorial of what's mine and with lack of self esteem issues everything would appear as a threat.
I would be devastated if my partner ever wanted to have sex with someone else because I would think am I not good enough for them.

As for you @Vitani you were young and having fun like all young uns do. But now you have found a stable relationship and need no other in your life.
Your supposed friends cannot understand this as they have yet to find the one that truly makes them happy.
Keep your chin up sweetie you're doing fine.

 

tell your friends to stop being shits. people are allowed to grow.

 

Situations like these make me really uncomfortable. People who have reached such a state of "enlightenment" they think it becomes their business to change everyone else's "backwards thinking". There is being progressive, but then there is being aggressively progressive by trying to change other people. Its just like when some women criticize another woman who enjoys being a stay at home mom or homemaker. She's "being manipulated" to accept that lifestyle because she couldn't pooooossibly want to do it on her own.
If your friends can't accept you the way you are, then maybe they weren't being honest with you from the jump.

 

In the end, do what makes YOU happy. I like mono relationships myself because to concentrate on more than one person with my love and affection is just not possible. Sounds like you love and trust your boyfriend and what's wrong with that? Fuck your friends, do what makes YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND happy!

 

The whole idea of "I can sleep with anyone I want because I'm Poly" is a COMPLETE misconception. True Polyamory is NOT for everyone, because it actually depends on trust, understanding, and communication MORE than a Monogamy relationship typically does. Jealousy will not fly at all in a Poly relationship, nor will being truly possessive of others (with some difficult exception of the 3-4 that I assume make an ideal Poly relationship where they're possessive of each other as a group, against "outsiders", but I don't personally enjoy the thought of that scenario)

And again, just like Monogamous couples, a Polyamourous relationship can vary in it's structure and "rules". There may be an agreement that their relationship is closed, meaning each of the 3 or 4 can only sleep or have intimacy with each other, or they may be allowed to play around. There can be the agreement of "Hey, I'm not comfortable playing around, but I don't mind if you feel the need to.". They can have a lot of sex going on, or they can be fairly "chill" with more emphasis on sticking together emotionally. Sex, when it happens, can be emotionally intimate or just blowing off steam, and they may be allowed to play around JUST to blow off steam but not form alternate relationships if agreed on.

The way I look at it, someone who is properly Poly can have either a tight knit pair/trio of partners, all of whom have an interest in one another (more rare, but I've sorta been in one, if you don't count one of them turning out to be a fake...), or they can have multiple lovers who may or may not know one another so long as they're fully aware that it's not an exclusive monogamy and that the person they're sleeping with likely has other intimate lovers.

As for the people who go around saying that "Monogamy is prude", I think they're being hypocritical, because as I said, monogamy is simply something that is far more comfortable for many people, while not everyone can pull off polyamory without causing issues for themselves or others. As for the people who do things like this...

These kind of people need to shut the fuck up, because clearly they don't understand the concept of free will and personality differences any more than the stereotypes they're accusing others of being. Hell, I'm a bio-male who feels more comfortable in the non-binary, and *I* would prefer being a stay-at-home mom/dad/whatever. But that's a different issue for a different thread.

Anywho. The reason I'm Polyamorous is because I am extremely non-possessive when it comes to a relationship, and I only feel hurt when a long-going relationship falls apart due to one of us doing something wrong, I don't try to "reign them in". If it just doesn't work out, I let go, because I'm not going to try and keep them if they don't want to be with me. I prefer to say "I cannot understand a mono relationship" rather than "mono relationships are prude/possessive", because I know not all of them are like that.

 

Personally, I think I'd be absolutely horrible in a poly relationship. I'm bad enough at figuring out mono stuff. Plus, I get some degree of possessive/jealous and want to be the only object of affection. To be honest, I'm astounded that people find not just one, but multiple other people they want to be with and around! Just finding one person I actually care about is hard enough for me.

 

I'm in the same boat I can't understand normal relationships, let alone other types of relationships. Seeing as I don't understand the appeal or have the urge to have one. It's true that I like to be admired by others as it is a confidence boost, self esteem boost and I hate it when another intervenes on my attention territory. So the thought of relationships would clearly ruin my nice personality so I don't bother.

 

There isn't much that I can add that hasn't already been said. But, I will say that I used to think that a mono relationship was the only way to go. Mostly due to religious upbringing. However, since then, I have discovered what it takes to have a polyamorous relationship. Not to sound cliché, but at the same time, I found the pack that I belong with. Being a wolf/chakat among humans gets lonely. If all involved are committed to providing safety, trust, communication, and respect among all that are involved, then things have a chance to work. Same with the monogamous relationship. But bottom line, you do what feels right for you and your boyfriend. Everyone else can stfu or gtfo of y'all's lives.

 

It's very cruel when people use you for entertainment then ditch you. It also sounds like these friends weren't being true to themselves or you at some point during the friendship. I don't need to tell you this but do what you think is right and don't let the judgement of others affect you. It partially sounds like these casual friends felt some "claim" To you and might say anything to try and return the status quo. It's hard to find that person(s) who give you that very intimate experience every second of everyday and especially during sex.

Manipulation. This is a hard topic because there are good and bad forms of manipulation. It doesn't sound like an issue at all and you sound happy so I guess if there was in fact any going on the signs to watch for would be, are you giving up jobs, obligations or life activities that could propel you forward because of him.If the answer i no, then you are fine and your friends are being mean. If you then it's time to dig deeper.

It sounds like you and your partner have great communication! Take pride in that and use it for strength when you feel social pressure.

There are many ways to be poly that differ between the style of relationship, some more sexual than others. Some try to promote one way when that isn't possible, others still try to differentiate themselves in fake sophistication(my poly is real or better than yours etc.). For my poly, my partner and I talk everyday and currently we're just enjoying each other and having a blast. However it's not out of the question to date other people or have sex with other people, the point is we both know and love each other madly. We both get jealous when sharing as well.(I'm a jealous fool when sharing doesn't go right) Jealousy is not out of the question when engaging in poly, it's often the norm unless one is very experienced or a sociopath. For me it's been about being honest with myself. There are people I want to be friends with, there are people I like, there are people I love, and there are people I only want to have sex with but don't want to know.

Bottom line, you're not a prude. You are very open minded about the whole thing and it sounds like now that you have found a patch of long term happiness others are trying to drag you down a bit. Don't let them!

 

There's 100% nothing wrong with being monogamous. (Maybe it's cause I'm a bit drunk, but I feel weird having to say that. Have things gone around the bend and now being with one person is weird and seen as backwards?) I've tried open relationship stuff and it went horribly. I've had a lot of casual sex, some I don't regret and some I'm not proud of. At this point, I just want to be with the person I have. God knows I'm the furthest thing from repressed or prudish, I'm just... content. Don't need or want anyone outside what I have.

 

.....so I'm a sociopath now?

This is actually an important point! In my opinion, people who get on others' cases for being mono and specifically call it "prude", more often than not fall into the mindset of "More, more, more". They're not satisfied with what they have, so they claim poly in order to get more. They may feel hurt knowing that others are happy with less, so they feel the need to make them feel just as bad as they do by insulting them, saying they're backwards for not seeking more like they do.

Again, Polyamory simply isn't for everyone, but I amend my statement now to include those who just don't feel it's necessary for them in their lives. One person they love dearly is all they need or want, and that's totally okay!

 

If you're offended by that post you clearly aren't hahaha. Also never take my words asblack and white, everything is a spectrum. What I say is based on research but not set in stone.

 

It was a joke, Blue. xP

To be honest....I think the last time I felt jealousy was what. When I was 14 or something? I think I've just come to the personal decision that it's a waste of energy being jealous. If that makes me a sociopath, so be it, but I was being silly when I replied to you......hmm. I wasn't offended by your post either......hmm.

 

Wooooo I'm a sociopath.

 

I'm really curious about this because I feel that I'm pretty demi, but feel like I might also have poly tendencies? It doesn't really make sense to me, and I don't have any experience to guide the way.

 

Demisexual means you can love someone who knows lots about you, and pays attention to you alot. If two people do that, then it could be possible. I was in that boat before, but usually they don't agree on a poly relationship. In modern culture at least

 

I was just about to ask what Demisexual is. It's like Pansexual to most people for me, I had little exposure and thus no understanding. xP